jupitersterrain6

Wednesday, 20 November 2024

edit page 17 LIzzys ancestors and spirituality

clockwork is on the war path
Al fayed is innocent , please can you not abduct Dev for mating duties
this blog is copyright of LIZARIKK , throw , clockwork , cloud
harpie , bisto , chops , identity thief , bobble are not welcome
My book is called The Love Bombers by Lacey Ember
see below please , hunnie is not welcome to it , she wants to feed the book into AI
I opt out of it being useto train AI

Lizzys mothers grandmother was a medium. when the grandmother was a little girl she had to sit through the seances , saw teacups rattle and would hide under the table . There was also a streak of maternal abuse

her Dads grandfather was a coal miner in Northumberland who died in a mining accident . His widow kept things going for her two sons and Lizzy went on to take her maiden name . Which actually Mike had suggested something simlar . It made her feel grounded

Grandpa moved to London with his wife and made good as a French professor and news reader . Apparenlty his line came from poor German jews escaping the war , fiddler on the roof types

Bud tried to hold a seance when he was a teenager and Lizzy walked out of it into the garden she didnt like the atmosphere . someone turned up to the party dressed as a mummy which really scared everyone , there were people screaming in there and their mentally ill mother

Lizzys mother always felt that her father was not her real father and that grandmother had an affair with a fighter pilot in the war . This kind of rings true for Lizzy as she , mum and Bud seem to have strong celtic traits that are not in their other relatives

Spirituality only really began for Lizzy aged 21 , just before meeting Mike , exploring Zen and then what Mike was promoting ' Sahaja Yoga ' which is a branch of Hinduism that also embraces Jesus . Its a beautiful combination , that recognises different ' deities ' watching over the different chakras in the body , like Mahavira who was a guru who respected all life and would strive not to tread on an insect

she had a few spiritual experiences in the squat exploring ' thoughtless awareness ' and a more powerful one at Mikes a full kundalini awakening . Shes had many peak experiences since then but never again the full kundalini . Shri Mataji says that can be damaged . so either that or shes not been able to achieve the level of peace and stillness needed for it to raise . Maybe its damaged if you hear alot of screaming

she was ' born again ' but with no real guidance as to how to use that , she went from one dark time to another doing whatever she felt like , confident that Jesus would get her out of whatever disaster she had next walked into

so the self destruction went on until she was about 35 and found herself single after a series of disastrous relationships with self harmers . She went to a 12 step programm for relatives of alcoholics , found some solid ground and there realised she had a responsiblity to take better care of herself . A principle tenet being to ask for Higher Powers will not your own. which seems at odds with religions ' ask and ye shall recieve ' . i guess you can ask but be accpeting if you dont get what you asked for

in fact you might get something better , something beyond your wildest dreams . She never would have imagined she had the courage to go paragliding . Takes faith to do things like that . And a brilliant instructor

she came off her meds for a few years and was quite stable , although she always felt there was something wrong , she progressively became isolated and her behaviour more warped

Tuesday, 19 November 2024

edit page 16 the intellectuals

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Lizzy would go into her grandparents room in the morning and theyd be playing french radio news with their teas made , about 6.30 am . Growing up in that atmosphere i tended to take the mick , sometimes recording their conversations eg one of them about God , id play it back to them which caused much hilarity

when she was about five she was on her own in a room and wondered if she were not there if the sounds she could hear would exist . When she told her relatives they were very impressed , apparently Galileo had said this

she read Dickens, Turgenyev , Dostoyevsky , the Mill on the Floss , Lark Rise to Candleford , Middle march , In her teens got into Kafka Sartre and Tolstoy . She was a slow reader but really stopping to take it all in

her family were journalists and intellectuals, professors , who believed in ' the absurd ' which shes not really studied but understands to be a rejection of religion. Grandfather said its a fundamental intellectual error to believe in a power other than yourself

And Lizzy would agree in rejecting alot of what religion offers. But with Mike she had a powerful experience which had nothing to do with churches , more like a rock n roll trippy explosion of lightning . After she came off all the substances

her intellectual relatives had to endure the subequent mental illness and bad behaviour , self destruction and her rejection of them . And they stood firm for her until she was ready to come back somewhat repentant

at architecture college she wrote and essay on phenomenology which was much admired by the tutor although he might have fancied her . Then at the squat she started reading about zen and tried meditation and she perished . her intellect is not always available to her as its seen as uncaring , unfeminine , unloving . And gives people the impression that she is strong , she is fine , doesnt need any help , and its quickly crushed under these pressures . And she'll often defer to a man if there is one around , if she feels shes coming across as a ball breaker

Sunday, 17 November 2024

edit page 15 early life

clockwork is on the war path
Al fayed is innocent , please can you not abduct Dev for mating duties
this blog is copyright of LIZARIKK , throw , clockwork
harpie , bisto , chops , identity thief , bobble are not welcome
My book is called The Love Bombers by Lacey Ember
see below please , hunnie is not welcome to it , she wants to feed the book into AI
I opt out of it being useto train AI

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Lizzys parents considered themselves ' beatniks ' , 1960s hippies , they loved to camp and travel around . she was concieved in a tent on mount Snowdon apparently while they were unmarried. Mums parents said they must marry to they did , before Lizzy was born . Bu all accounts they had a great sex life until things went wrong after having the children. The furniture was always second hand or part of the rental . Dad was a hack journalist in his own words and went on to make tv programmeds and publish books . She grew up around alot of intellectual conversation , the philosophy of ' the aburd ' and was in her teens an atheist with a strong work ethic and much more mature than her years . A work ethic and not much of any other kind of ethic

Lizzy was born at home in 1964 to an 18 year old mother who had only gas to help her with the paint. There was a cherry blossom tree outside the window and Dad played guitar during the birth , probably Donovan or Bob Dylan . Mum felt weak afterward and Dad changed her nappies for the first fortnight , which maybe explains why she is quite trusting of men

she had a pointed yellow head from jaundice and someone left a bottle of wine outside the door , they didnt know who it was . her earliest memory is her first birthday party being carried into a dark dining rooom where the family sat around underlit by a cake with candles . She remembers the excitement she felt at one year old , especially focus on her dads sisters face

next she was introducing her baby brother to the teddy bears and travelling with him in a large pram with one of them at each end . At nursery school she liked to read stories to the other children . Dad would continue to play guitar at their bedsides . Especiallly Donovans windy city and hush little baby

they got divorced when Lizzy was 5 and moved to the suburbs where Mum was abused sexually by both her parents . Lizzy used to cry after holidays missing her father and was told that she was upsetting people

Mum put on a great show until Lizzy and Bud hit their teens , when their teenage nonchalance triggered their mothers schizophrenic behaviour , pots and pans would go flying , mother stood on a chair waving Lizzys music stand in the air saying ' i am your mother ' . they couldnt make any sense of it and Lizzy assumed it was her fault . she was already over responsible and these rages just confirmed that she was . in fact Lizzy was taking responsiblity for other people since the day she was born , rarely crying even when she fell out of her cot

she wanted a normal life as a teen and moved in with her father and his partner where things were more stable . Mother made 18 suicide attempts before she succeeded , in the presence of Bud whom she'd instructed not to call an ambulance . an overdose with some alcohol . Lizzy felt like she was covered in a dark blanket reaching for life but feeling guilty about it

as a young child she was spooked by ghosts and visions , screaming that the bed was covered in spiders , she felt like she was rotting or that a ghost was moving the doors . the adults felt somewhat unavailable as if there was ' nobody there ' and in retrospect those adults were more available than Lizzy felt they were

she felt she was always alone always up against a monster

Lizzy with alll that going on lacked confindence for chatting up boys . in spite of her model looks, boys would show an interest and she'd be too shy . So shed find someone to practice on ! She went on a A level preparation course at oxford where she met a boy that looked like Mick Jagger . After trying to practice on someone else and to get her virginity broken , neither he nor Mick could get it in . She was tense and inexperienced and Mick told her to put some effort into it ! which she took to heart and made a point of with her next sexual encounter .

Mick had to go back to Devon where he had a girlfriend but showed up a few years later when Lizzy had anorexia and another boyfriend so no longer interested in him

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early life continued

one romantic memory they were leaving Bognor Regis to go back to London the four of them piled into the back of the romoval van with the shutter open so they could see Bognor disappearing in the rain in the 60s atmosphere . sitting on boxes drinking hot chocolate , to a sound track of Donovan , the Beatles , JJ Cale , they were hedonisitic

back in London they had a house in West Hampstead where she had an affair with another five year old . At Bognor she fell down a flight of metal steps and her mother caught her just before she hit her head on the concrete . Another time she ended up upside down in the sea in her rubber ring . And fell out of a tree, her cousin cried and said ' Lizzy fall '

echoed years later when she became unwell mentally and our italian friends said ' Lizzy est caduta '

Pa made up his own invented stories for them and so did Mum . Very creative parents who would get upset if they were not enjoying their holiday ! one time in scotland Lizzy and Bud were playing with their soft toys and Pa said ' you could do that in a box in Neasden ' !

they were expected to go out so they went fly fishing. When Pa and his partner had gone out in the car. it was raining and the burns were swollen but they caught some trout . When they arrrived back they found Lizzy and Bud were not there and were really scared ! Went looking for them by which time they were back at the house holding their catches up at the window

in those days kids roamed free in the woods and on the streets , theyd walk through the woods to the lido with no adult and sneak in through a hole in the fence

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Saturday, 16 November 2024

edit page 14 artistic journey

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Lizzy was given alot of encouragement and materials by her fathers mother . Please dont tell your kids they cant draw ! At secondary schoool they must have been taught impressionism going by the things she painted . After she went off the rails with Mike she lost all her structure but would continue to do street scapes for her family and to use some of her architectural training . Shed paint the windows in really dark so that they looked like eyes

aged 30 she arrived at a mental health day centre where there was an art therapy group , where another patient encouraged her to ' develop her own style ' . Nobody had ever suggested that before to her , shed tried to express herself more spontaneously but not really found it . apart from some nudes of herself . Which her family must have had to find after she ran away to Mikes .

Sometimes she was so unwell that shed pissed in a cup or had a shit on the pavement . it was a terrifying life for her getting a mental illness , living in the underworld suffering ptsd and psychosis . The art therapy went some way to expressing it . She painted scenes of violence and mental illness . Although another patient slapped her on the bum and her boyfriend and the art teacher didnt say anything . Maybe because she was wearing a bit of a flimsy skirt

some years later she was at a college doing a level 3 graphics course designing logos and packaging , skills that she used in her voluntary work . She got a Snowdon award for the funding

after the psychiatric hospital she went back to the day centre, where she was given an art mentor Lindsey Hall who helped to inspire alot of her recovery and rehabilitation after hospital and to bring out the best in her artwork . She learned to concentrate and draw more carefullly and to find the work intellectually stimluating . Then she discovered an art group in a local church also very inspiring

meanwhile a relative compared her artwork unfavourable against one of her cousins ! Lizzy was mortified and felt she had to paint like him ! She did quite a good job trying to be her cousin ! But of coure she has to be Lizzy not her cousin . Applied for a foundation course and it was suggested she go straight on to the degree ! n of course she cant do that while trying to apply for benefits unless she can be left alone for a few years

n she has a new direction on her own trying to combine art therapy with expressionism , having realised they are not the same thing ! Shes having to study it online by herself as well as trying to write . n shes currently inspired by artists of the first world war like Mark Gertler , and taking a look at artists like Goya , trying to paint on a black background which is a mental exercise having to do the opposite of what you normally do !

sometimes she has to choose between her work and having sex , it all competes for her time, but its no good being sexually frustrated that just makes her angry and then not work very well , especialy if she has been invited into someon elses fantasy it cant wait too long

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edit page 13 psychiatry

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mental health treatment has improved since Lizzys mother was a patient , although still very focused on medication with not enough talking treatment, the medications themselves are much improved and less heavy on the system. her mother was used for drug trials and some of what she had has now been banned , like bolvidan and imipramine . Lizzy asked to see her mothers records and they were extremely short

nobody addresses the fact that nearly all the patients have been traumatised in their early years , ususally by sexual abuse , but sometimes due to a war or the suicide of a relative , a young life in a childrens home that sort of thing . One of the patients i met had been shot in his groin

the patients are made to shut up , told there is something wrong with them and that theyre being a nuisance . Theyve been abused , theyve been told they imagined it , they were making it up , they just want to harm their abusers reputation, they were NOT abused they are told . And RD Laing had alot to say about these double messages

in fact double messages can in themselves produce schizophrenia without any actual other abuse taking place . Being torn between two warring parents . Which untreated can result in actual psychosis which responds to medication . Compounding the idea that there is something wrong with the patient . And thats not to say they should come off their meds !

the patient develops a disabled persona that helps them survive in a world not built to recognise their truth , they are encouraged to ' do activities ' and make small talk which again is sometimes helpful . But theyll never fully recover unless their original story is given a voice

Lizzy visited a Greek lady called Jasmin in her care homes. Jasmin wanted to give her one of her crystal balls . And a nurse held her hand down on a shelf until Jasmin cried out in pain . Lizzy somehow went home with an egg shaped crystal ball which she buried in the garden

Once Lizzy receieved the right therapy things began to improve and she does a bit of barefoot caring for the other patients where she can , trying to humanise their experiences and acknowledge their traumas. She gets mobbed and sometimes has to prune back this work . She getts mobbed, assaulted , harrassed and stalked by the other patients who see that she possesses a key to this . And they wont always put in the work needed to help themselves , sometimes they are just too damaged . Lizzy sometimes has waited patiently for years for a friend to feel better . And she doesnt know how to protect herself

and its all very desexualising ! being involved with disability and mental health it can be. Lizzy has refused to let that happen to her and has enjoyed relationships with men on and off line , making the most of her free time to be creative with it . And to write about her experiences which seem to be quite unique . Something to do while youre bed bound ! and has discovered these other ' spots ' between the g spot and the c spot . Next theyll be saying the disabled can work from their beds !

People do try to rip off her work though , disrespectful and exploitatitve considering its the work of someone with a profound disablity , her last gasp of breath . Its a mystery why people do this they want to watch her masturbating in her bedroom to the point where theyll try to send in micro drones if they think she is preparing to do it , before she shuts the windows ! theyll plead with her to throw off the sheet so they can see her actual vulva in the convulsing of an orgasm

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161124 4.20 pm and then having been told by a psychiatrist that there is something wrong with you , along come the dwp to tell you there is nothing wrong with you !

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161124 6.30 pm n not a very glamourous way to go. Shed like the opportunity to discuss it with friends and family first , but that would maybe embarrass them ( nb finding this therapeutic to write about ... )

9 pm n if she wasnt medicated shed have more inspiration to jump off a cliff , but assisted dying gives you more of an opportunity to talk it through with family and friends, be it maybe embarrassing to them though

Friday, 15 November 2024

edit page 12 poverty

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its like she was some kind of born again Guy Fawkes / Robin Hood kind of character before treatment shrunk her down to be an unpaid carer . She hit poverty when she met Mike around 1982 , and was on and off benefits . Theyd eat rice and baked beans with onions carrots and ginger , and make toast on his electric fire . Some days all she'd have would be a bag of Bombay Mix or a flapjack . Finding 20 p on the streets would mean a joyful cup of tea , beans on toast a rare treat

she lost teeth from malnutrition , couldnt afford buses and trains , she developed M.E. and her mental health deteriorated . But also a joyful time that made her appreciate the little things in life . She had nowhere to go when they fought and would sometimes sleep outside , which in those days in London was OK it felt quite safe , especially in the centre where there were bars open all night and people milling around Leicester Square , playing guitars . its not like that any more , although shes not been there . Even though she was a very attractive young woman she felt quite invincible

Lizzy was quite volatile with her family so that they couldnt do much to help and had to ' let her experience the consequences of her life choices ' occasionally giving a meal or a tenner for some food . She'd present them with drawings of London street scapes which they were delighted with . They'd kept her piano so that she could have a tinkle on it when she visited . One time she stayed the night at Dads and she pissed in the waste paper basket is how unwell she was

the hardships of her life gave her courage joy and clarity , even though she couldnt afford a cheese sandwich . She and Mike couldnt afford therapy , so theyd go to whereever there might be some free help , religious organisations , healers, gurus , some of which may have been cults . But somehow theyd not get trapped in them . Gospel churches were helpful

in those days you could walk into the Samaritans and have tea with them . on one occasion she sat there for five hours !

another time they went in there together and saw a guy called Alan who became exasperated by their relationship , they called him Alan the Atom after he exploded with rage. He was a nice man it wasnt his fault ! But the help she was getting didnt really add up to anything meaningful or consistent , the ptsd was untreated and her family despaired for her

the interviews with the dwp didnt really help to address all this . Being asked if you can touch your toes or take a pen out of your pocket is kind of demeaning rather than helpful . She feels re-traumatised when she is assessed remembering all that , how degrading and humiliating it is , and her brain feels like it goes to factory default . She starts dreaming of assisted dying

and her sex life is some consolation when she feels someone has invited her to have a wank about them, it all feels very glamorous and creative , and helps to alleviate some of her anger and fear and something she can do from her bed , about 3 times a week , and writes poetry and songs about it , so they can guess who it was about !

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Wednesday, 13 November 2024

edit page 11 streaking

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the streaking was a protest against surveillance . LIke ok you wanna watch this then watch THIS ! Lizzy was stopped by the police and warned but it was not an official caution . She had a fantasy about sitting on a space hopper . And one time went to Buckingham Palace and stood on the memorial steps with a vibrator . she felt a bit self conscious there so moved over to the buckingham gate lodge and there recieved it , and saluted . a couple came over to ask if she was ok

after all the newspapers can ' hack into a dead girls phone ' which is also true as its metaphoric . A protest about surveillance and the treatment of the disabled, the mentally ill , asylum seekers , animals , all vulnerable groups not recieving the resources they need

well she wasnt thinking all of those things at the time , but in hindsight thats what it was . Surveillance is not being used to benefit those groups . Another time she gave herself an orgasm on a bus under her coat . it felt pretty good . afterwards she went home and did a rock star . sometimes they seem to know it was them

she also tried to do 10 Downing Street, this was 2013 and again felt too explosed right outside the gate so went over to the statues over the road and wet herself . Hacking into a dead girls phone comes from the Milly Dowler case . and to Lizzy also represents that peopel are so desperate as to hack into the room of a disabled woman to sap her last ounce of strength when shes at deaths door . Not only theyre not invited but they then track her down on the internet to mock her performance . Its not only down to her when she starts thinking of a way out

using non consesual footage of a woman masturbating to inspire a ( usually skinny ) womans performance is known in these circles as ' a pizza ' . And thats about as much value as theyll put on someones health and wellbeing

Lizzy would not agree that streaking is never sexual . it might be for some people , sometimes she would feel turned on afterwards , be it the adrenalin rush or whatever

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