300419 / 010519

i have no dignity 
n my integrity 
is not intact

i seem to be the kidney of the family 

im a life support machine 
she persuades me to take him on 
and then scarpers 

290419 

actually i am in the food programme 
its not about being thin 
its about losing the obsession with food 
currently they are trying to set me up with a sponsee 
in the hope that it will help 
because like alcohol 
it doesnt respond to will power 

she doesnt know him 
like i do 

290419 

n Scarey said he would leave me 
if i didnt lose weight 
or that he would cheat 

n we had to barter like this 

n it was all pain 

280419

i am good enough 
just as i am 

n then Starsey was born 

270419 

this hopeless despair 
my brother is slowly killing himself 

270419

thing about Scarey 
is that we were children together 

and there could never be anyone else 

k so he's famous, married and a father 
but its me he really loves 

260419 

like as if the Iranians 
are going to release her for free ! 

what if Negar Ghodskani 
were allowed out of prison 
but not out of Australia ? 

why can i not find a picture of her ? 

if its family 
you would pay the ransom price 
Naz is family 

260419 

and the longer this goes on 
the harder it will be for the baby 
to have to leave her grandparents 

if a relative is kidnapped 
we tend to pay the ransom 
and then hope to press charges later on 

and Nazanin is our relative ! 

250419 

our hearts bleed for her 
for her husband and baby 
a family torn 

240419 

putting the rubbish out 
even the simplest of things 
speak to us of home 

240419 

whataboutery 

but if we don't vote green 
then extinction 
is up against democracy ... 

240419

to be honest 
i don't really want to be here 
and I've given up trying 
to do it myself 
when you just get locked up for it 

i want an assisted death ... 

240419 

rivers and forests 
flow through her 
birds chirping in her head 
the twinkling of a mountain stream 

to have an actual experience 

getting off the internet 
coming together 
in a meditative trance 

feeling the pavement 
physcial contact 
with the policemen
a throwback to the '60s 

we want something real 
that we can touch and taste 

n we're tired
we're tired of being slaves to machine 
driving ourselves on 
like literal robots 

never stopping to smell the roses 

230419 / 240419 

my ovaries are angry 
having to mother people 
that i didnt give birth to 

the crushing weight of my family 
n all their professional careers 
n their need for an emotional mainstay ... 

such harrowing things 

230419 

you'd feel it wasnt cool to say 
but he seemed different 

makes him feel like you don't trust him 
makes him feel spied on , n watched 
and controlled 

n this is a kind of dissociative thing 

n Scarey was into online porn
like most people 
like i do in my head 

n she felt a bit paranoid about it 
wondering if he was using videos of her 
as a pizza to add to the trippyness  

they called it the pasty tax 

he said the wallpaper 
was peeling off the walls 

220419 

fib are borking the free Nazanin campaign online 

220419 

this is the light that 
illuminates the darkness 
not that hides from it 

climate change protests
not all about climate change 
its community 

220419 

she has got cancer 
we must get her out of jail 
catch fire, oh catch fire !

my family are sick 
so i fell in love with yours
it gives me some hope 

healing energy 
to send to dear Nazanin 
we must save her life 

i know which species 
i would most like to protect 
our humanity 

220419 , 070319 

Greenland is on fire 

210419 

geek rap 

look what you've done  hey stupid 
what do you think you're doing ? 

210419 

emotionally literate 

n Scarey was all gentleness incarnate 

n Scary n I 
couldn't survive this world 
this world was too brutal 
for Scarey n I 

210419 

the internet has tamed us 

220419 

bit paranoid ? 

Greenland is on fire 
and as for my carbon footprint 
im not driving cars or riding aeroplanes 

and i have not contributed to the population 

190419 

after stereotypes 
i refrained from asking him 
to fix my door lock 
just cus he's a man 

he put a tadpole in my moth
n it was all wriggly 
his Egyptian soul seemed familiar to me 

Scarey darling ! 
she love Scarey vey much

n it was Scareys childhood 
that drew me to him 
looking after the birbs 
n vandalising the garden 

i called him a nasty Jesus 

190419

n Scarey would investigate
the moon would tell him 
all he needed to know 

180419 and archives from around 2006

is that right ?  

n i failed to charm the author

failed the Jane Austen test 

n was too easy

heard the strumming of a lyre 
as i danced away into the fire 
i have no blood
n Fritz has no chii 

n all dead stuff 
like a mothball event to me 

180419

not enough likes
on social media 
n now i feel like crap 

so no victory jack today then  

180419 

n you do not want to see
my thick ankles 
when its sandal season

or my sagging belly 

170419 

looks exactly like Gollum

shaven head, aggressive drug addict today

but i used to wake him in the morning
i would hold up his dressing gown for him
and shepherd him down the stairs for breakfast
he looked as if he had seen a murder  !

support worker knocks on his door and tells him I'm going
brother wants me to go in and announce it myself
wants a word in private he says

so i told him I'm going,
he draws me back into the room 

he tried to lock the door
so that he could tell me something about mummy
but i was scared

so i got out. now i may never know 

what he wanted to say 

feeling all his pain and his desperate attempt
to communicate his feelings
seeing such great suffering

I'm being strong, being strong
and then i crack afterwards
phoned ny OT from Lewes station

hostel workers look at me in a funny way

maybe they would like to kick him out
but they can't because of me ...

in shock, will i ever see him again ?

more PTSD 

in a cage with a wild animal 

warning bells 

I'm losing him 

' crack ' cocaine means something different for me 

170419 

I'm going to see my brother 
to beg him to live 

140419

trying to work out 
how to convert 
a mono file to a stereo 

130419

looks like i pressed 
the self destruct button again 

110419 / 130419

no news of Nazanin either
it seems the government here are not doing enough to free her
and we can't seem to get to the bottom of why that is
is it to do with a prisoner swap ? our unpaid debt on an arms deal ?
or because she is in a mixed race couple ?
could be to do with religious conflicts

pay the effing debt
you stubborn and ignorant
and bungling buffoon

110419 

110419

carrying this huge weight 
im erupting like a volcano 

110419 

to work is to sell out 
they say they have to 
get on with their lives 

i don't know why Dev did that 
or what happened to him
i guess i strayed away myself 
got very lost 

but it was magical at the time 

090419 / 100419 

i would wake up in the morning 
looking like the person i was thinking about 
n people could see that 

so many people 
live inside me 

080419 

i think that was meant to be 
i mean i would not have been able 
to have the children would i 

enjoying your emotional journeys 

080419

Christian values ? 
i never heard Rich or Naz 
saying such a thing 

home fires are burning
our hearts bleed to have her back 
where she can get well

on sunday morning 
drifting in and out of sleep 
floating far away 

she looks like to me 
more moslem than christian 
and she has lost her faith 

i have lost my faith 
take a child from its mother 
what God would do that ? 

here we are striving 
to accept different cultures 
to be inclusive 

she took her child 
she loves her culture back there 
she wants to show that 

070419 

power madness 

070419 

060419 

if she were a spy 
she would not take her baby 
to the same country 

home is where these things 
that we take for granted here 
are gold dust to her 

in love we came here 
and in love we will depart 
taking love with us  

a star is shining 
showing us the way to home 
where you are waiting 

060419 

im a choking up 
looking into Richard's eyes 
they are tearing up 

so yeah i see 
this is why they force women 
to do the housework  

060419 

plumping up cushions  
onions and some olive oil
frying on the stove   

home as a place where 
a flame of hope is burning 
waiting your return 

home is a place where 
we put the children to bed 
knowing they are safe 

home is  a place where 
people really care and you 
just know they are sincere 

home for me is where 
human rights are respected 
expressing ourselves

050419 

tears in Richard's eyes 
as he puts on a brave face
being strong for them 

050419 

Rich and Nazanin
they are the stuff of legends  
who writes the story ? 

depriving a child 
of their loving mother 
is a form of child abuse 


Richard said : 

love's a doing word 
people kept reminding us
of a world of care 


freedom of speech 
and social media
create protection for them 

Nazanin attests 
the beauty of your culture 
shows humility 

i too was once detained 

our shared God would want 
us all to love each other 
in spirit we are one 

brutality wins 
over gentle spirits song 
bludgeoned to death  

alot of knife crime 
because mums are going to work 
need to re-think this 

my home is dirty 
i was not trained in housework 
they have a point there 

050419

un placer concerte

040419 

thankyou Dross 

descent into darkness 
i don't even feel human 


i challenged Amnesty International, 
who were flooding a Nazanin thread with repetitions ! 
sometimes these charities have conspiracies 
and hidden agendas i think 

i can get away with challenging them because of my condition ! 
if i get into trouble i can plead insanity ... 

a bit like that guy with autism, Gary Mckinnon i think 
who hacked into the US military !!! 


anything to find some sense of connection 

n i been in all kinds of religious cults as well 
chasing spirits and symbols about 
ducking under signs , speaking in tongues 

030419 

commercial success, work, ? 
what is that about ? 

they delegated a job to me 
which is too much for anyone 
spinning wool into gold
to make something of our addict 

n i don't even have the status of a slave 

very triggering 
he said / she said 
drift away 

n now I've got more time
to feel the feelings 

cult ritual abuse 
will 999 defend you 
from 666 ? 

02 419 / 030419

after i broke my hip

i was in the mental home 

dancing like crazy 

waving my crutches in the air 

post traumatic stress, 
eating disorders, family stress 

i'd rather be ill, to be honest 
than go to work in an office 

family representations 

another one 
where we were hugging strangers 
looking into their eyes 
n saying that i love you 

n i been to all kinds of groups
tree hugging to conflict circles 
encounter groups, pow wows 
n trauma role play 

one time i had to play the part 
of an aborted baby 

020319 

what is the difference 
between love and adulation ? 

i have to have meaningful talks 
and answer tough questions 

010419 

collab with KB 

emotionally drunk 
looking out of the window on the train 

they were only trying to do their best for you dear 

i can't stand because I'm broken 
could i really have a life ? 
i feel like a pressure cooker 

four knifed in a stabbing spree 
because we've lost our stay at home mums 

people sitting on the desks in the office 
looking out of a dirty window
onto the sunshine and trees outside 

im all about the not money 

why ? why do we need the status quo, 
the honour, status, pride, convention ? 

see this is why they have women who stay at home 
and be there for the family 

feminism has only worked 
for working women 

n real carers never go on strike 

im stealing money 
so that i can get help 
right in the thick of it