n yeah I think marriage
would turn me into some sort of robotic
people pleasing conditioning machine !

tiktok

hi guys first of all a Happy New year 

and secondly to put some things straight 
about the videos on tiktok 
i don't have a tiktok account or even a device 
where tiktok can be downloaded 
just as well because apparently its a very unsafe place 
where horrible things are said about people 

and there there is a user called Kathleen Rose 
who is uploading my videos, old and new ones 
and is altering them . this is not a backup account for MrKatyia 
and were it so, it would be called MrKatyia , not Kathleen Rose 

i am not called Kathleeen and i never have been 
although i do know someone with that name 
in real life , i am not Kathleen and i am not Mark  
if thats why they are talking about 

tiktok do not seem to care, i reported her channel last night 
and it just seems to be growing 
the police didnt think they could do much 
unless the videos are altered, 
but i see them being altered today  

and I'm sure i can find other legal advice about it             
and there will be other places i can get help with this   
and learn how to protect myself   

her channel is fake news 
and is intellectual property theft 
if she start making money out of my material  

i will put links in the comments to her sites 

and thirdly Happy New Year 
thanks for listening 

291219

i hear men complaining alot recently 
they feel they are not understood 
they are fed up being made responsible for things 
their feelings are overlooked 
they are fed up being the provider etc. 

and yet they wont seem to get together like women did 
to stand up for their rights 
because i suppose of their tendency 
to be wary of other men 

this is frustrating me 
because i feel i could help them 
to explain what they are going through 
but they need to stick with other men over it 

201219 

yes no need for violent protest any more 
when on the internet 
we can connect, debate and fight wars 

031219 

did i ask for this ?  
I've got to go out 
and smile at social events ? 

here is a person 
who does not really want to be here 

what do they do with their life ?   

281119

straight women let men do all the work ?   
gay women can speak on any topic ? 

281119 

is homosexuality 
an evolutionary necessity ? 

or maybe i have HOCD 

orbitting satellites , everybody runs  

even if I have a good one which I did last year
I think I have some extent of a false state of mind
and dropping all my boundaries because they feel un Christmassy
good will in the sense of agreeing with everyone
spending too much time with family
and generally undoing some of the work I have done
on being my real self

so I will be usually enoying myself until Boxing Day

and then all the toxic positivity hits
the sparkly decorations come down
and when I was a child
I literally thought that Boxing Day
meant having arguments on Boxing Day

and this kind of hangover of family emotions
and all the smiley ness

last year I made a card
consisting of a piece of black card
with a smashed bauble stuck to it
and cut out lettering making the greeting

which I photographed and made into a card

0801119 

The Author is a character in my book  

aka Baba Yaga 
she keeps trying to make love to me 

to keep me away from the men 


I'm very afraid 

071119

The Author , is on an IRA forum 

071119 

actually i thought Jacob Rees Moggs Grenfell gaffe 
was staged 
obviously to distract people from Brexit 

071119

Check out the colour, opacity, and viscosity (wine legs). Remember that, the more a white wine is golden, the more it is aged and complex; the more a red wine is garnet, the more it is old and deep. While swirling the wine, pay attention to the resistance of the wine in your glass. If you have the same “weight” sensation as if it was water, then this means the wine is very light and fresh (e.g. high in acidity). On the contrary, if the wine is very dense, almost “syrupy”, this means the wine will be very rich, full bodied, and probably also high in alcohol

The golden rule of wine tasting: your nose is the key to your palate. Once you learn how to describe and understand a wine through your nose, you will begin to develop the ability to anticipate what a wine should be tasting like

By swirling the wine before you taste it, you release many aromas of the wine

aromas from aging in oak or in the bottle. Cloves, vanilla, baking spices, roasted nuts, tobacco, dark leather, caramel and chocolate are just a few of the typical tertiary aroma you can easily find in oak aged wine

241019 / 251019 

can you spot the stars 
in a hazy sky     
only there 
from the corner of my eye 

i think i found 

my inner puppet 

just a disembodied head

231019 

thats quite hypnotic actually 

221019

hes a wonderful man 
he makes even the most mundane things 
sound fun and exciting 

161019 / 181019 

i just feel stigmatised
i  can't be externalising 
my mental health issues in public 

I'm seen as odd, 

my brain is squirming 

i feel that i stick out 

like a sore thumb 

131019 

Extinction Rebellion 
is about so much more that climate change 

the surveillance , internet, robots,   
they want to come together 
and glue themselves to mother earth 

feeling an amazing energy of connection 
passing between them 

131019 

what about my right to identify as heterosexual ?
I find sometimes gay people are like
' come on , everyone is a little bit gay '
like they want to convert everyone

when they themselves have banned correction therapy
to make them straight

I do hae a couple of gay friends
I know where I am with them
and they dont give me that kind of pressure

while there are others to be honest I am afraid of
I feel harassed about my sexuality
I feel ' sucked in '

and its difficult to be ' inclusive ' with them
when they interpret my every move
as a romantic advancement

210919

do not resuscitate 

160919 / 170919 

usually the feelings are there deep down 

i remember feeling this joy 
that had no place in this world 

i wanted to fly away 
into the sunset 

170919 

i feel sometimes 
like i don't have a choice 
like I'm forced to be here 

160919 

a legal battle 
with someone you loved 
with whom you shared 
the utmost innocence 

140919 

poor Scareys pain 
took me a few days to notice ... 

140919

no contact sobriety 

The Big Bang Theory 
went downhill 
after Sheldon and Amy had coitus 

140919 

whats happened to his nose ? 

110919 

withholding affection ? 

' the doolally ' 
are people who cant afford 
a top quality therapist ! 

090919 

sometimes the words come too late

060919 



fight flight freeze       

having to grovel for love 
to prostitute my emotions   
to accept verbal abuse 

split , spinning 

its not how i ought to feel 

mistakes ? 

060919 

my mind seems to drift away  

psychodrama, conflict management  
my wacky lens and psychotic thoughts 
over-reacting and hallucinating       

triggered     

lots of fairy dust 
because inside her is a real fairy  

i wasnt very good at shop lifting 
i would start laughing   

one time during an episode   
i travelled all the way to 10 Downing Street 
so i could pee outside   

after all they were watching me 
on surveillance cameras   

i do a great job 
of acting like a normal person 

040919

unconditional support 

I hear the vicious demons and witches hiss and cry to me. My only relief is when I am in the arena battling the barbarians.

Hail noble warrior, may I ask how long you've been hearing these demons and witches?

My demon (singular) has been speaking to me for three and a half years and tells many untruths.

As it happens Socrates the Greek philosopher called his voice his Daemon (pronounced Demon) but his was helpful and kind.


They wail and screech as if they are in some sort of hellish reality. It should perturb me, however now I grow curiosity about it, while it gives me the strength to fight battles.

These demons have been persecuting me for many a year now, maybe as long as the reign of the emperor himself. In your tongue, it would be 9 years now.


Nine years is a long time, has the medicus offered you anything to help?

I'm on medication that makes my demon far quieter than he originally was and all he does all day is complain about how unfair this all is to him, I haven't said a word to my demon for three whole years now and he hates every second of it.

He and I are locked in a battle of wills.


There is a constant wailing. The human apparatus is designed to hear the wail very well since it sounds like a baby. My master gave me two weeks leave from battle, and the witch is so much worse. Curse them, and pray the Gods will help me!


I hope the Gods save you from this torment. 9 years is too long to suffer. I had voices, now im on drugs..short story. But keep fighting the noble fight Gladiator. We all support you.


You have wrestled with the most ferocious of beasts. I believe in you.

290819 

thing is if someone is doolally 
their ' community ' is with the doolally 

x x 




maybe the president 
finds exciting prey creatures 
too distracting and exciting 

we are all ruled 
by our alien cat overlords 

230819 / 240819 

disturbance of the peace 
on the Irish border 

sorry its because of Brexit 

200819 / 230819 

having to grovel 
cursed, terrorised 
on the scrap heap 
weird 

170819 

maybe it feels safe 
to be in a dark place 
at rock bottom 
which nobody can take away 

this cocoon, 
this womb of darkness  
looking at the damp walls  
of my cave    
in the barely dim light 

150819


Amber Rudd admits
that no deal would be ' challenging for the economy '
of course without going into any details
about what that means

where others have warned of civil unrest, riots
endless queues , empty shelves and medicine shortages
to name but a few

sounds like a scene from Judge Dredd !

140819

interesting how thats like a gentle rap 
that still has rhythm 

must be something else 

100819 

she had always been concerned about my feelings
and that she was a treasured friend

her family
who were very unlike her, 

they were a stiff upper lip family
in which she was the odd one in their eyes
who ' couldn't sew properly ! '

080819 

not just a soppy pet 

he wimpered 
when i stroked his tummy 

and sitting up 
bared his teeth 
in a friendly way 

telling me 
he's a wild hunting monster 

060819 

Greta Thunberg has no ego 
she just loves 

n they call this an illness ! 

030819

my magical mummy 

so apparently 
i hear voices 

020819 

do eastern countries 
have a head start on us 
because of the time zones ? 

010819 


i have found in my journey in mental health 
that I'm allowed a certain about of negative feelings ! 
i have a new model of normal 
one which allows for some dark moods 
in a way that they don't spiral out of control 
but are part of the rich paint palette of life 

300719 

a glowing blue rabbit 
is trying to make peace 
between the neighbours 

300719 

my psychological immune system 

290719 

we'd carry the news 
making alot of energy 
alot of scratch 

290719 / 300719 

fluffing our feathers 

n Scarey n i 
would close our eyes
in reverence at our love 

290719 

given that our leaders are so fucked 
its mental health 
that is the big issue 

270719 

the person to person interface 
is affected 
so that we don't connect
or feel the earth between our feet 

250719 

they grow up 
dreaming of their wedding day 

220719 

i really struggled to work the OA programme 
because i was asked to sponsor people 
who usually turned out to have mental health issues 
i felt out of my depth 

so i have joined a couple of mental health forums
to get familiar with different diagnoses 
and a rough idea of how to help them 

i feel this is going well 
I'm getting alot of positive feedback about my efforts 
i feel i am really helping some people 
and my self esteem is climbing again 

a common trait across the diagnoses 
is the low self esteem 
very harsh on self, beating self up,
comparing to conventional standards etc 

220719 

riding it out 

the energy 
from my family's guilt and denial  
a wind so strong 
i cannot stand 

its a scary place to be 
when you leave behind 
all that you know 

and the earth opens up beneath you 

220719 

cross-talking , interrupting , 
unwanted advice 

210719 

giving myself space
to feel the feelings 

family triggers 
pigeonholed 
gender stereotyped 

I'm coming down to his level 
he has brought this out of me 

200719 

to bless someone like that 
you only need 
an occasional touch of your wand 

200719 

vulnerable , hurt , defensive 

something has happened
that i can't forgive 

180719 

' opened up ' 

170719 

mock spontaneity 

150719 

i get bullied alot 
and then i try to appease the bully 
until I'm fully hypnotised 

150719 

thing is when I feel suicidal
I try to make use of that 

in a nothing left to lose way
its worth taking the risk
to get what I want

thats how I came to go paragliding
it was terrifying, but I thought to myself 

do I want to be here anyway
and then I flew !

140719 

closer i get 
further we are apart 

130719 

failure , rejection, feeling unloved 
these things 
are the stuff of poets 

130719 

online bullying 

100719 

the boyfriend was tricked into betraying me 

080719 

i don't seem to have time for sex this week 

070719 

and i have an injury 
in an awkward place 

n then i was insulted
by one of the children 

050719 

she is a Goddess 
her beauty other worldly  
may be why she's gone 

030719 

how education 
spoils your innocent wonder 

030719 

all my boyfriends 
had mental health issues 
and i thought i could fix them  

030719

alot of songs 
are about feelings of inadequacy 

our stereotyping 
is so extreme 
its become self fulfilling 

what other self effacing things can we say ? 
how about shame and disgrace
dishonour even
ugliness

neediness 

020719 

sorry i got you mixed up with somebody else 

020719 

the cost of freedom 

failure 
losing my dignity 

disappointment 

020719 

n Daddy said 
its a cut throat world 
dog eat dog 

nobody cares about anybody else 
they just use you 
until you are no longer useful to them 

010719

inadequacy 

seriously messed up in the head 
all this gushing neediness

i don't even try things 
if I'm going to fail 
so then i fail at failing ! 

course now I'm too messed up, needy and disfunctional
to sustain such normal interactions

maybe my friendship with S will help with that
although there is all this needyness bottled up inside from 35 years
you fear it will all come gushing out !

290619 

im unclean 
a dirty girl ... 

280619 

expecting too much from myself 
for a paranoid schizophrenic 

270619 

getting dressed up 
to go out and meet people 
its like its all a performance 

finding themselves 
in front of a screen 
with a load of issues going on 
and nobody to talk to 

pretty common these days 
a sign of the times 

270619 

i think it depends who is teaching the mindfulness 
like there were some really good CDs
where i found myself concentrating on my foot  

then there was this guy, he was a celebrity actually 
came to take our group at the mental health centre 
and had us concentrate on our genitals 
for a full hour 

this really fucked my head up 
not per se 
i would not have minded that on a green camp 
after a tree hugging workshop 

but in a  mental health centre 
it seemed to open the gates of hell
and one of the other clients 
seemed to become obsessed with me 

i went on to leave the place 
i think because they would not take us seriously 
when we complained about it 

250619 

what about 
how hard on ourselves we are 

i suppose we'd need to be patient 
with our lack of patience ! x

the gates

240619

the children don't take after us 
we take after the children 

200619 

n Scarey n i 
have a partner each 

190619 

one thing that annoys me 
is these new adverts
that are imitating spirituality ... 

your vulnerability 
is one of your most special qualities actually 

I'm sure nobody wants you to be macho 

190619

stolen light

there is alot of darkness there
but then there is alot of darkness in myself .. .
sometimes i need to work through the darkness

160619  chimp 

150619 

thing is that Scarey is married 
n we can look at the moon together 
n we might get caught 

its not a linear progression 
not lines but circles