010819 


i have found in my journey in mental health 
that I'm allowed a certain about of negative feelings ! 
i have a new model of normal 
one which allows for some dark moods 
in a way that they don't spiral out of control 
but are part of the rich paint palette of life 

300719 

a glowing blue rabbit 
is trying to make peace 
between the neighbours 

300719 

my psychological immune system 

290719 

we'd carry the news 
making alot of energy 
alot of scratch 

290719 / 300719 

fluffing our feathers 

n Scarey n i 
would close our eyes
in reverence at our love 

290719 

given that our leaders are so fucked 
its mental health 
that is the big issue 

270719 

the person to person interface 
is affected 
so that we don't connect
or feel the earth between our feet 

250719 

they grow up 
dreaming of their wedding day 

220719 

i really struggled to work the OA programme 
because i was asked to sponsor people 
who usually turned out to have mental health issues 
i felt out of my depth 

so i have joined a couple of mental health forums
to get familiar with different diagnoses 
and a rough idea of how to help them 

i feel this is going well 
I'm getting alot of positive feedback about my efforts 
i feel i am really helping some people 
and my self esteem is climbing again 

a common trait across the diagnoses 
is the low self esteem 
very harsh on self, beating self up,
comparing to conventional standards etc 

220719 

riding it out 

the energy 
from my family's guilt and denial  
a wind so strong 
i cannot stand 

its a scary place to be 
when you leave behind 
all that you know 

and the earth opens up beneath you 

220719 

cross-talking , interrupting , 
unwanted advice 

210719 

giving myself space
to feel the feelings 

family triggers 
pigeonholed 
gender stereotyped 

I'm coming down to his level 
he has brought this out of me 

200719 

to bless someone like that 
you only need 
an occasional touch of your wand 

200719 

vulnerable , hurt , defensive 

something has happened
that i can't forgive 

180719 

' opened up ' 

170719 

mock spontaneity 

150719 

i get bullied alot 
and then i try to appease the bully 
until I'm fully hypnotised 

150719 

thing is when I feel suicidal
I try to make use of that 

in a nothing left to lose way
its worth taking the risk
to get what I want

thats how I came to go paragliding
it was terrifying, but I thought to myself 

do I want to be here anyway
and then I flew !

140719 

closer i get 
further we are apart 

130719 

failure , rejection, feeling unloved 
these things 
are the stuff of poets 

130719 

online bullying 

100719 

the boyfriend was tricked into betraying me 

080719 

i don't seem to have time for sex this week 

070719 

and i have an injury 
in an awkward place 

n then i was insulted
by one of the children 

050719 

she is a Goddess 
her beauty other worldly  
may be why she's gone 

030719 

how education 
spoils your innocent wonder 

030719 

all my boyfriends 
had mental health issues 
and i thought i could fix them  

030719

alot of songs 
are about feelings of inadequacy 

our stereotyping 
is so extreme 
its become self fulfilling 

what other self effacing things can we say ? 
how about shame and disgrace
dishonour even
ugliness

neediness 

020719 

sorry i got you mixed up with somebody else 

020719 

the cost of freedom 

failure 
losing my dignity 

disappointment 

020719 

n Daddy said 
its a cut throat world 
dog eat dog 

nobody cares about anybody else 
they just use you 
until you are no longer useful to them 

010719

inadequacy 

seriously messed up in the head 
all this gushing neediness

i don't even try things 
if I'm going to fail 
so then i fail at failing ! 

course now I'm too messed up, needy and disfunctional
to sustain such normal interactions

maybe my friendship with S will help with that
although there is all this needyness bottled up inside from 35 years
you fear it will all come gushing out !