201018

trying to grasp at thin air  
where Mummy left 
my frustration knows no bounds 

the sweetest gentlest little deer of a Mummy
you could wish for 

want to hold Mummy close 
and feel her heart 

091018


" bananas are 100 calories each
so everyone was white
white and middle class , academic
and then bam this bomb goes off
and i fall in love with a violent Irish man

the doctor laughed at me
the police laughed at me
so i lied , radicalised, i don't mean I'm a terrorist
but i understand how you get that way

the only thing consistent about me
is my eating disorder

you couldn't live with yourself
if you cut him off
so how do you think it is for Dad ?
and what impact would it have on my nephew ?

i don't think they are well versed
in sexual abuse, and they should be
they opened up a chakra
a very powerful chakra
and i don't know how to close it down

how to get grounded,
sights, sounds, touch, smells
something real that you wouldn't get on the internet

how to close it down ? "

081018

in the 12 days of Christmas
my OCD sent me

6 tubes of toothpaste
4 loaves of bread
18 toilet rolls
14 boiled eggs
100 plastic bags
10 black sacks
50 plastic cups
40 pain killers
28 lemons
9 loads of laundry

5 pairs of tights

6 bars of soap

rap song : too much coffee

170918 


the police wanted to know 
who the dealer was

i didnt know i was flirting
gunshot blasting through the wall
clashing of swords

he's on a drug fuelled bender
and now its made me paranoid
triggering flashbacks
of being off the rails ...

its all gone horribly wrong
a crazed mental patient
testing my sanity
I've slipped
i feel so hungry and angry

maybe if i wore something less attractive
its hardly sexually provocative
hes not going to give up without a fight

everybody trapped in the heat
things coming to a head
an army of trolls
drunk on caffeine

breaking down
i dont trust myself
i doubt my sanity

they want me to befriend
the junkie down the road
who is also a nutter
just like me

he used to date my friend
and now i don't see an end
no light in this tunnel

a tight space
no room to squeeze

i don't want to talk to him
my nurse is mentally ill

go away
i don't want to talk to you
i dont owe you anything
leave me alone
I've got enough of my own problems 

the statue is weeping ... 

i shoplifted again
it was an accident 

050818

i feel hurt and angry and rejected 

300718 

this hollow pit of loneliness 

150718 

a drowsy plane 
flies overhead 
like a drunken wasp