jupitersterrain6: January 2025

Thursday, 30 January 2025

gasllight city page 2 sexual awakening

clockwork is on the war path
Al fayed is innocent , please can you not abduct Dev for mating duties
this blog is copyright of LIZARIKK , throw , clockwork
harpie , bisto , chops , identity thief , bobble are not welcome
My book is called The Love Bombers by Lacey Ember
see below please , hunnie is not welcome to it , she wants to feed the book into AI
I opt out of it being so used

edited 300125

something like an empty vitamin tube or a kitchen utensil would do for a dildo when the family were out , but still using her finger . it would be a couple of decades before she could orgasm with just a long vibrator without using the c spot , a long one would bump against the cervix, the x spot

a guy at university made her come internally but shes not really sure how or why , and its not like he had a particularly large penis or anything . He asked her if she was sure about it . And played her Eric Satie . it was like being on holiday

she discovers that sexual and sensual activities could take her to an altered state , even without substances . there was something about it in ' Jackie ' magazine for teenage girls

010225

gaslight city possible beginning

edited 300125

Ellie wakes up in hospital with concussion . She bounced down the cliff and landed on a promontary . She has broken bones . Sid she know too much ? she knew the police were involved with the dealers . Her head is swimming

because of Meriels suicide , Ellie is the ghost of her mother . Tasked with ' fixing ' a heroin addict who is involved with the international cartels . Ellie surmises. Surely he must have done some dealing in his time. Although who he is now is a mystery . as he seems to be just buying benzos

a cousin , a vicar and a mental health professional herself decided this is Ellies responsibility because shed done recreational drugs as a teenager , she must know all about cartels . whereas the cousins are nice Christian ladies that dont get involved with that kind of thing

brother Bud is in a hostel looking at the gaping loneliness of his failed life with nobody to visit him .

n apparently Ellie shouldnt be writing erotic fiction and posting it on the internet. Why not ? who'd want a woman with schizophrenia and an addict brother in tow ? is she not allowed a little fun ?

shes further developed her style with a fake animal print cape that was ripped by the paramedics who needed to get it off her . it scrubbed up nicely . Jumper slices , black tights , black khol and a short black lace skirt . She thinks someone famous is after her fashion designs but shes got the wrong man !

Poppy accuses her of being a nepo baby ! she doesnt even have a job let alone a famous relative . Have your parents given you nothing Poppy ?

why did the cleaning lady steal a kitchen knife ? a very sharp one at that . and a pair of scissors . it had to be her as nobody else had been round . The cleaning lady Jill is a very brilliant woman but she can still steal something , you have to watch her . Maybe thinks Ellie is posh . and rich .

follow with a page of sexual awakening

edited 040225

Sunday, 26 January 2025

gaslight city notes page 2 ancestors and spirituality

Lizzys mothers grandmother was a medium. when the grandmother was a little girl she had to sit through the seances , saw teacups rattle and would hide under the table . There was also a streak of maternal abuse

her Dads grandfather was a coal miner in Northumberland who jumped down a mine in a protest . His widow kept things going for her two sons and Lizzy went on to take her maiden name . Which actually Mike had suggested something simlar . It made her feel grounded

Grandpa moved to London with his wife and made good as a French professor and news reader . Apparenlty his line came from poor German jews escaping the war , fiddler on the roof types

Bud tried to hold a seance when he was a teenager and Lizzy walked out of it into the garden , she didnt like the atmosphere . Someone turned up to the party dressed as a mummy which really scared everyone , there were people screaming in there and their mentally ill mother cooking herself a bowl of rice like as if she were in a ' developing country '

Lizzys mother always felt that her father was not her real father and that grandmother had an affair with a fighter pilot during the war . This kind of rings true for Lizzy as she , mum and Bud seem to have strong celtic traits that are not present in their other relatives

Spirituality only really began for Lizzy aged 21 , just before meeting Mike , exploring Zen and then what Mike was promoting ' Sahaja Yoga ' which is a branch of Hinduism that also embraces Jesus . Its a beautiful combination , that recognises different ' deities ' watching over the different chakras in the body , like Mahavira who was a guru who respected all life and would strive not to even tread on an insect

she had a few spiritual experiences in the squat exploring ' thoughtless awareness ' and a more powerful one at Mikes a full kundalini awakening . Shes had many peak experiences since then but never again the full kundalini . Shri Mataji says that kundalini can be damaged . so either that or shes not been able to achieve the level of peace and stillness needed for it to raise . Maybe its damaged if you hear alot of screaming

she was ' born again ' but with no real guidance as to how to use that , she went from one dark time to another doing whatever she felt like , confident that Jesus would get her out of whatever disaster or scrapes she had next got herself into . She would use her spirituality in sometimes dark and destructive ways just to feel alot of adrenalin

so the self destruction went on until she was about 35 and found herself single after a series of disastrous relationships with self harmers . She went to a 12 step programm for relatives of alcoholics , found some solid ground and there realised she had a responsiblity to take better care of herself . A principle tenet being to ask for Higher Power's will not your own. which seems at odds with religions ' ask and ye shall recieve ' . i guess you can ask but be accepting if you dont get what you asked for

in fact you might get something better , something beyond your wildest dreams . She never would have imagined she had the courage to go paragliding . Takes faith to do things like that . And a brilliant instructor that makes it sound like a walk in the park

it was a long day waiting for other pilots to do their flights , Lizzy had taken some articles to read about drug dealers which the instructors thought was funny

im a bit nervous about flying off a cliff she says

oh youll love a bit of cliff flying ! said the instructor

as though we were going on a merry go round

and so it turned out to be , just like a merry go round

Lizzy took an awesome film from the air looking down at the cliffs with her and the instructor whooping in the background . Lizzy weighed about 12 stone , which is quite a good weight for her

she came off her meds for a few years and was quite stable , although she always felt there was something wrong , she progressively became isolated and her behaviour more warped . This trend was excacerbated by the march of technology when Lizzy found she couldnt afford to phone mobile phones from her landline at 18 p a minute , and at the same time couldnt afford a mobile phone bill on top of her landline . And so isolation set in with attendant madness , and seeing people were reaching out to her online , she got lost somewhere between the real and the unreal , she started to think she was famous , and to do bizarre things like wandering the streets screaming and taking her clothes off in public

edited 260125

270125

280125

290125

Friday, 17 January 2025

gaslight city page 1

nb still working on the love bombers , while this next book started to write itself

170125

180125

190125

200125

220125

230125

Wednesday, 15 January 2025

love bombers second draft page 17 mental hospital

edited 150125

n Lizzy encounters real psychopaths that you have to tiptoe around and pacify in order to get past , or sometimes shout for help . Theres no room for your own feelings . The door is slammed shut and youre locked inside with them . Shes prodded and poked and felt up mostly by the women patients , n tries to keep to herself to no avail . some of them reach out to touch you as you go past or slap you on the bum. And youve to keep your cool or else get in trouble yourself

they say they wont let her out without medicating her which she attempts to protest by screaming the place down . she is told she will be tortured if she doesnt comply and at that point her father persuades her to cooperate so that she can get out of hospital , in the hopes of reducing the medication at a later date

brother Bud helps to get her let out , he phones up the nurses and cries and shouts at them. Not bad for a heroin addict . In fact Bud functions well on heroin its just the money that is the problem and as soon as shes out of there the requests for money start up again . He says just do as the doctors tell you in order to get out . Shes advised to attend the day care centre where there is art therapy and she gets herself out

n back to a place where everyone needs help and not getting it . Lizzy seems to have something they want , that they will harrass her for . And shes like standing at the bus stop and a large male patient will come up behind her and START TALKING TO THE BACK OF HER HEAD . Which has happened with several people , doing the same thing . And in the long run not good for Lizzys own recovery , sometimes putting their hands on her . People who have ' no boundaries '

n all stuff that makes her eat too much and become large , like a bouncer trying to defend her own space , take space and make room for herself . But she does some of her best artwork there , this one is inspired by Paolo Coelho's Veronica decides to die

n at hospital when she arrives there she belives she has been sectioned because she ' knows too much ' , like shes some sort of a spy or something. And believes other patients are there for the same reason or are undercover counter spies . She asks the other patients about this and they confirm for her that this is the case . And new arrivals screaming at the FBI , only to be subdued with medication a few days later , like theyve been muffled

there is talent there too . A man moonwalks for them . he says he will be jumping off the cliffs at Newhaven soon . She practices her communication skills getting good at negotaing the tv schedule and her place in the dinner queue where she is accused of ' pushing in ' when she sits on a vacant seat . points out the seat was vacant and wins . And is in the habit of giving helpful staff thankyou notes and written reports on her progress . She works harder than ever in there

but too much medication and needs to wean herself off it , even at the risk of relapse , of further injury , or worse

she never dreamed she was capable of going paragliding , but shes up for a challenge and does some extreme fun fair rides to practice . And it turns out paragliding is much more pleaseant than a fun fair ride being banged about in a car flying around a wheel , a much smoother ride with inspiring instructors . Their enthusiasm is contagious , so much so that she accepts the challenge to fly over a cliff ' youll love a bit of cliff flying ' . they get you to run forwards and backwards and sideways before asking if youre ready , and then its so magical to leave the ground

and seems like practice for the day she ends her life jumping off a cliff

160125

170125

Monday, 13 January 2025

love bombers second draft page 16 bird cage jump

edited 130125

Lizzy has become very isolated when the streaking starts , n she'll also shout and scream in the street . Because of surveillance and hacking and people stealing artwork and ideas from her blogs , watching her masturbate in her bedroom

she starts to enjoy jumping off the shed roof , the hit of landing on the ground , and this goes on to become a one woman protest , when she jumps out of a first floor window and breaks her hip. And is surprised to find herself sectioned . She thought people were only sectioned if they were a danger to other people . Its a bird cage jump because she felt trapped in her life on the internet and a cry for help

she tries to hike up the road from the hospital in a nighty with a zimmer frame and a load of paper work for her solicitor but is too late

they say she has paranoid schizophrenia and is forcibly medicated her in spite of protestations that she is fine and has made it all up . Initially the medication is like a chemical straight jacket which has her staggering around the hospital making snorting noises and getting lock jaw. Until they give her an antidote

Eventually they get the right medication that allows for some quality of life , enables her to do some voluntary work and go paragliding . N feels pretty sane . The hacking is still going on but shes more able to control her reactions , not shouting and screaming at people

they have parties in the hospital people waving their crutches and zimmer frames in the air , dancing , music , romatic intrigues . Lizzy fancies a man from eastern europe who is younger than her and they go off on the bus into town together . Much to the consternation of the staff . But he tries to get money from her and the staff confronts her about it

shell have a wank about him behind the bedroom curtains but is discovered when the staff come to do bedroom checks to see if youre still alive . ' im just having a wank if you dont mind ' says Lizzy

when she comes out of hospital Lizzy visits a Greek lady called Jasmin in her care homes. Jasmin wants to give Lizzy one of her crystal balls . And a nurse holds her hand down on a shelf until Jasmin cries out in pain . Lizzy somehow goes home with an egg shaped crystal ball which she buries in the garden

Once Lizzy receieves the right therapy things begin to improve and she does a bit of barefoot caring for the other patients where she can , trying to humanise their experiences and acknowledge their traumas. She gets mobbed and sometimes has to prune back this work . She gets assaulted , harrassed and stalked by the other patients who see that she possesses a key to this . sometimes they are just too damaged . Lizzy sometimes has waited patiently for years for a friend to feel better . And she doesnt know how to protect herself

edited 240125

140125

150125

Saturday, 11 January 2025

love bombers second draft page 15 streaking

edited 110125

her dancing shoes out of control with Trevor and Fleur in different realms,

Trevor introduces Lizzy to the internet where she meets a man called Fleur who she never gets to see . Shes in love with someone shes never even seen a photograph of . And she can see Trevor also has something like that going on

Lizzy gets lost on the internet and loses her mind a bit more than she has already , in spite of doing some excellent courses and voluntary work , caring for family and friends, graphic design, website management , she cant seem to stay on the rails

caring very deeply for family and friends sometimes to her own detriment , shell go all out to make them feel loved and healed which can be very draining

she becomes aware that she can be seen in her bedroom ... with all that entails , and the film is made into ' a pizza ' as its known on the interent . Which is when a love rival wins the right to watch it and to ' learn ' some sex moves apparently , although Lizzy has not really learned any sex moves , she just uses her imagination . The rival will then track her down on the internet and torture her with a bad review of her performance

the streaking is a protest against surveillance . Like ok you wanna watch that then watch THIS ! Like Femen . Lizzy is stopped by the police and warned but it is not an official caution . She has a fantasy about sitting on a space hopper . And one time goes to Buckingham Palace and stands on the memorial steps with a vibrator and a short skirt . she feels a bit self conscious there so moves over to the Buckingham gate lodge and there recieves it , and salutes . a couple come over to ask if she is ok

after all the newspapers can ' hack into a dead girls phone ' which is also true as its metaphoric . A protest about surveillance and the treatment of the disabled, the mentally ill , asylum seekers , animals , all vulnerable groups not recieving the resources they need . Surveillance being uses against their interests instead of to help them. And someone in the UK takes their life every 90 minutes ...

well she isnt thinking all of those things at the time , but in hindsight thats what it will be . Surveillance is not being used to benefit those groups . Another time she gives herself an orgasm on a bus under her coat . It feels pretty wild . on a moving vehicle it really feels like the earth moves !

afterwards she goes home and does a rock star . sometimes they seem to know its them , they appear on the internet the next day , just like men in real life will appear the next day , even if shes not uttered his name , n cant say who that was

she also tries to do 10 Downing Street, and again feels too exposed right outside the gate so goes over to the statues over the road and wets herself . Then she goes round to Westminster Bridge and starts kissing strangers on the cheek . A man is impressed with this and invites her to come to a park with him. He is fairly young , much younger than Lizzy , and something like Turkish . He asks her to touch his penis which she does . He says he will not phone her . Lizzy gets the willies at that point and thinks shed better head for safety . The man does not pursue her . Probably a funny story for his mates ! Lizzy cracks up laughing and records herself . And makes her way to the train home with wet clothes , nick naming him Bacon . maybe because she smelled of wee he didnt pursue her

Hacking into a dead girls phone comes from the Milly Dowler case . and to Lizzy also represents that people are so desperate as to hack into the bedroom of a disabled woman to sap her last ounce of strength when shes at deaths door . Not only theyre not invited but they then track her down on the internet to mock her performance . Its not only down to her when she starts thinking of a way out

using non consesual footage of a woman masturbating to inspire a ( usually skinny ) womans performance is known in these circles as ' a pizza ' . And thats about as much value as theyll put on someones health and wellbeing , on their private intimate moments . Sometimes she is ' assessed ' as to how her orgasm was achieved, whether is clitoral or vaginal and she goes on to discover there are other varieties , there are other ' spots ' other than the c spot and the g spot , there is a d spot, e, f , there is one on the cervix and one at the nipples that are all interlinked

n starts putting a sheet over her so they cant see absolutely everything

the surveillance deepens so that even if she shuts all the windows someone has got a micro drone in there

Lizzy would not agree that streaking is never sexual . it might be for some people , sometimes she would feel turned on afterwards , be it the adrenalin rush or something

n she masturbates at night in a grave yard , that is pretty scary . n maybe picked up a bad spirit that way

130125

Friday, 10 January 2025

love bombers second draft page 14 Trevor

edited 100125

Trevor is a very good looking man who actually attends the mental health day centre , along with some other very powerful patients . Including ' the Author ' as Lizzy calls her , they are friends, and a fireman who is not mentallly ill, a powerhouse of gossip and intelligence

shes seen Trevor around before but not really paid much attention to him, hes not a ' wild boy ' , but more looks like a gentleman . And one day he shows an interest in Lizzy and she notices his movie star looks . Like a cross between George Clooney and Al Pacino . And shes smitten with his smouldering glittering eyes

they go out to the pub with other friends from the day centre , the banter around ' men versus women ' challenges of class and the superiority of the mentally ill . They plan to form a kind of support group . Trevors friend Chris asks Lizzy if she wants to be used as a breeding horse . And she says there are other ways to mate like using a turkey baster . Trevor says that Lizzy has ' no blood ' and she says he has ' no chi ' and they go on negging each other like that much to the hilarity of the other friends , they irritate each other and build up a craving for sex

Lizzy makes jokes about marriage and having to spend your life in the same bed and how shes too angry for that ' do you take this man to stagnate with for the rest of your life ' ? to share the pipe and slippers and to sit bored at sunday lunch . He was maverick and called the Author and Mavis a bunch of harridans . Well Lizzy should have defended them but they had been giving her a lecture and well ... she should have defended them anyway

the Author senses Lizzys interest in Trevor and at an all girls session informs her that he has unfinished business with his ex girlfriend Wren . Well Lizzy has heard that Wren is doing her friends husband . And feels that the Authors warning is not valid . At least the way she puts it , although maybe a warning was warranted but not that warning . They didnt have unfinished business

What ensues is that Trevor tells Lizzy she is ' too easy ' and that she is to keep their relationship a secret . Which is kind of worrying , although considering what they do at Charlottes house might be understandable

so Lizzy tempts Trevor away from the pub with a bag of naughty dressing up clothes , aiming for Charlottes house round the corner , where they have sex in front of her and she films it . Lizzy doesnt get to see the film but has some stills and worries who might find them in between the leaves of some large books that she cant actually find

she also invites Trevor round to help her with her new computer , he being an expert on such things , she could manage that without him but she wants an excuse to get closer to him

she is very hurt that Trevor goes to Clouds party and kisses her , after having Fleur arrested and tortured . To win her back her back. only to then kiss Cloud at a ' meat face ' !

also because he tells her to keep their relationship secret. because people would interfere he says . so when he moves on to Cloud she assumes she has been used and throws a wobbler. she finds him and Cloud hacking into her mail box from a pub and has an argument right there inside the mail box with the hackers in which she criticises his sexual perfomance , which isnt really true considering she wants him back

And she is complicit in it , having betrayed the ' woke ' part of her that has developed over her adult life . Returning to the ambitious egotism of her origins . And indeed he does seem to have stepped straight out of her family ...

she is 40 and feels that she wants Trevors baby . He raises the topic of contraception and Lizzy tells him she is using the cap . Well you are supposed to put fresh spermicide on it every 3 hours and she lets it go over that . That afternoon Trevor doesnt want to have sex with her ! How does he know ! he says ' Lizzy this is not about marriage and babies ' ! ironically Cloud is all about marriage and babies and he has the best rapport with her . he has a rapport with her that Lizzy has not seen him having with anybody else , you know like when you can chat for hours . She brings him out of himself and seems to enjoy doing so

he presents himself at the mental health day centre as a patient , which he had been . And Lizzy jokes that hes actually head of the psychiatric department , little knowing how true her joke is ! Hes actually very high up in intelligence and can do things like cutting you off from online meetings , hacking your email, posting spam in there . He's on top of the world ! He tells Lizzy that he can kill people by messing with the authorities

he gives Lizzy a lecture . She is floored ! when he leaves she goes on a train journey to escape her pain . Later emailing him from her first ever computer, a little i mac cube , to say that she is now free to see other men. He didnt like that idea and they carry on in secret until he introduces her to the internet forums

where she sees stuff about coercive relationships and starts to question their ' arrangment / situationship ' . And you can never really leave the internet once you know about it , because real life peeps are carrying those memes

Trevor has that same kind of ' high functioning ' thing that Lizzies family have , urging her to be ambitious and then saddling her with responsibilty for the sickest person in the group . Stretched in two directions and broken . Shouted at , ignored , gaslighted, and given no agency . All stuff that is very familiar to her she feels used to it , and assumes a ' person in the home ' type of role

A healer once told her that she is ' carrying the guilt of the family ' , a thing she didnt really understand

She swallows Trevors sperm because she wants to know more about him and it contains information . And she is actually in love with him. He is someone she wants to be friends with even if they split up , they are both interested in classical art and music , classical culture , and western memes , highly educated pedigrees

in fact Lizzy is probably in intelligence herself if she were not so paranoid

and they dance so gracefully together at parties . Like two classical daemons , minotaurs amongst the classical columns , Just she should be more ' Jane Austen ' about things . Not because the Author tells her so . But because its more spiritual . She should keep more of a distance , be more aloof and not give so much away

not give away her whole body at once, for instance

Fleur is the internet lover who lures her away from Trevor with his woke banter and introduces her to ' cyber sex ' which is not webcam sex its more like a response to each others poetry . Some of those orgasms are the best ever being free to fantasise about him on her own . Trevor is not happy about this , has Fleur arrested and then goes to a party at Clouds place where he kisses her . Leaving Lizzy bewildered as to what is going on . and shes just discovered the internet she doesnt think internet stuff is really real

edited 220125

110125

Thursday, 9 January 2025

love bombers second draft page 13 the streets

edited 090125

its like she is some kind of born again Guy Fawkes / Robin Hood kind of character before treatment grinds her down into an unpaid carer . Shes a tank girl , Lara Croft kind of character. She hits poverty when she meets Mike around 1982 , and is on and off benefits . They eat rice and baked beans with onions carrots and ginger , and make toast on his electric fire . Some days all she'd have is be a bag of Bombay Mix or a flapjack . Finding 20 p on the streets means a joyful cup of tea , beans on toast a rare treat

she has style ! Mary Jane shoes, short skirts and awesome jackets that are too unique to describe , just perfectly made for her , one of them is purple with yellow flowers and another one is army green with something resembling a Picasso painting on it , her style really expressing her life in the underworld and all it means for her . Clothes that look wierd , in the cringe tradition

she loses teeth from malnutrition , cant afford buses and trains , she develops M.E. and her mental health deteriorates . But also a joyful time that makes her appreciate the small things in life . She has nowhere to go when they fight and will sometimes sleep outside , which these days in London is OK it feels quite safe , especially in the centre where there are bars open all night and people milling around Leicester Square , playing guitars . its not like that any more , although shes not been there she knows it isnt . Even though she is a very attractive young woman she feels quite invincible

even sleeping at Euston Station she wakes up to a man pissing on the ground next to her head . Counting herself lucky he didnt actually piss on her . Some other guys take her for a cup of tea and are offended when she has to leave, thinking they were in a relationship . Other times she has been followed at night but that is more in Brighton than in London . Shes been very lucky . A man follows her outside a treatment center at 8 pm in the dark and gets on her bus . She somehow manages to lose him , probably because the bus is crowded

there is a wonderful busker in London called Bruno , she can never find him on the internet , but his haunting ballads are always with her . one of his lines was ' see me bleeding on the floor ' about a lost romance the words dripping from his guitar strings . Bruno is playing his guitar when the police put Mike in their van for disturbing the peace with Lizzy screaming to let him go . Brunos songs are full of soul and yearning

Lizzy is quite volatile with her family so that they cant do much to help and have to ' let her experience the consequences of her life choices ' occasionally giving a meal or a tenner for some food . She'll present them with drawings of London street scapes which they are delighted with . They keep her piano so that she can have a tinkle on it when she visits . One time she stays the night at Dads and she pisses in the waste paper basket is how unwell she is. She advises her dad to go to therapy about the family issues which makes him really mad and he asks her to leave

the hardships of her life give her courage joy and clarity , even though she cant afford a cheese sandwich . She and Mike cant afford therapy , so they go to whereever there might be some free help , religious organisations , mosques , healers, gurus , some of which may be cults . But somehow theyd not get trapped in them , leaving before they get baptised . Gospel churches are helpful and promise to drive the devil out of them . One of the healers says that Lizzy is ' carrying the guilt of her whole family ' an idea she has never really understood

these days you can walk into the Samaritans and have tea with them . on one occasion she sits there for five hours !

another time they go in there together and see a guy called Alan who becomes exasperated by their relationship , they call him Alan the Atom after he explodes with rage. He is a nice man it isnt his fault ! So funny , seeing the funny side of their relationship and how it looks to other people , a relief from feeling ashamed of it

But the help she is getting doesnt really add up to anything meaningful or consistent , the ptsd is untreated and her family despair for her

the interviews with the dwp dont really help to address all this either . Being asked if you can touch your toes or take a pen out of your pocket is kind of demeaning rather than helpful . She feels re-traumatised when she is assessed remembering all that , how degrading and humiliating it is , and her brain feels like it goes to factory default . She starts dreaming of assisted dying . which would be a victory for certain people if she were to do that ...

and her sex life is some consolation when she feels someone has invited her to have a wank about them, it all feels very glamorous and creative , and helps to alleviate some of her anger and fear and something she can do from her bed , about once a week , and writes poetry and songs about it , so they can guess who it is about !

after Mike B's brain operation its not long before they split up . Actually its him that breaks up with her citing ' her attitude ' , n shes single for the first time in her adult life . She does courses and voluntary work , but its not easy being single and her mental health is on a slippery slope . N then she meets Trevor . And her dancing shoes are out of control

edited 200125 edited 250125

100125

Tuesday, 7 January 2025

love bombers second draft page 12 artistic journey

edited 070125

Lizzy was given alot of encouragement and art materials by her fathers mother . Paints, modelling clay , candle wax , dressing up clothes , fabrics, and this army tent where they'd play doctors and nurses with the other cousins , using real bandages and TCP . Lizzy didnt see a problem with being a nurse and running around trying to help the boys . In fact her ambition was to become a vet

At secondary school they must have been taught impressionism going by the things she painted . The school was founded by the suffragettes , so it was all girls, which is great for concentrating but made the boys waiting at the gate all the more tantalising

After she went off the rails with Mike she lost all her structure but would continue to do street scapes for her family and to use some of her architectural training . Shed paint the windows in really dark so that they looked like eyes . They kept the street scapes on their walls

aged 30 she arrived at a mental health day centre where there was an art therapy group , where another patient encouraged her to ' develop her own style ' . Nobody had ever suggested that before to her , she'd tried to express herself more spontaneously but not really found it . apart from some nudes of herself . Which her family must have had to find after she ran away to Mikes .

Sometimes she was so unwell that shed pissed in a cup or had a shit on the pavement . it was a terrifying life for her getting a mental illness , living in the underworld suffering ptsd and psychosis . Nobody cared that she had ptsd which kind of pushed her into the psychosis . The art therapy went some way to expressing it . She painted scenes of violence and mental illness . Although another male patient slapped her on the bum and her boyfriend and the art teacher didnt say anything . Maybe because she was wearing a bit of a flimsy skirt

some years later she was at a college doing a level 3 graphics course designing logos and packaging , skills that she used in her voluntary work . She got a Snowdon award for the funding . After the course she got voluntary work at local charities , one of which was a recycling centre where she managed a website . One day the website broke down and Lizzy went into the java code to fix it . With no prior knowledge of java code . Just using the help section of the application . And she fixed it

after the psychiatric hospital she went back to the day centre, where she was given an art mentor who helped to inspire alot of her recovery and rehabilitation after hospital and to bring out the best in her artwork . She learned to concentrate and draw more carefully and to find the work intellectually stimluating . Then she discovered an art group in a local church also very inspiring

she had a dream that she had lost something by leaving the day center . She left because a mindfulness teacher told them to concentrate on their genitals and it caused a breakdown in the friendships she had formed there . In the dream she lost two violins

meanwhile a relative compared her artwork unfavourably against one of her cousins ! Lizzy was mortified and felt she had to paint like him ! She did quite a good job trying to be her cousin . But of course she has to be Lizzy not her cousin . Applied for a foundation course and it was suggested she go straight on to the degree . n of course she cant do that while trying to apply for benefits unless she can be left alone for a few years

n she has a new direction on her own trying to combine art therapy with expressionism , having realised they are not the same thing . Shes having to study it online by herself as well as trying to write . n shes currently inspired by artists of the first world war like Mark Gertler , and taking a look at artists like Goya , trying to paint on a black background which is a mental exercise having to do the opposite of what you normally do

she looks for patterns in her sketches , hidden schemes that she didnt plan

sometimes she has to choose between her work and having sex , it all competes for her time, but its no good being sexually frustrated that just makes her angry and then not work very well , especialy if she has been invited into someone elses fantasy it cant wait too long

edited 200125 edited 250125

080125

Monday, 6 January 2025

love bombers second draft page 11 gore

edited 060125

getting his finger bitten down on until he screamed like an old man . Kicked in the ribs ,

watching Mike smash his arm through a window and stand there bleeding and screaming , Lizzy breaks his finger , puts him in a neck collar

the remorse after breaking his finger , having a McDonalds breakfast at Victoria Station feeling like a murderer

she pushes Bud down the stairs , threatens to hit Mike with a hoover , he threatenes her with scissors . Friends say they saw Lizzy bashing Mikes head against a lamp post but she doesnt remember that . The beast is unleashed after he talks at her all night and she savages his neck

she jumps out a window several times over about 3 months, until she first gets a cut on her head and photographs the ' bloodied hair ' before the last attempt where she fractures her pelvis and screams blue murder , but her mind is somewhere else. A lady passes by and offers help . Lizzy says ' im just very disabled ' and refuses the help . Shes intends to just break her leg , and go to A&E . the experiment has gone wrong and she is sectioned

a woman in the mental hospital tries to strangle herself with a tourniquet . Lizzy is assaulted by another female patient who slaps her on the bum, barges into her bed area and shoves her at dinner time , like a school bully . She corners Lizzy in a corridor and says ' now scream ' !

Mum overdosed on alcohol and pills and told Bud not to call the ambulance . Mike B might have taken an overdose at her place , he gets a brain injury and nearly dies . Lizzy finds him on the floor and calls an amulance . He is put in a critical ward where you can hear grieving relatives screaming for their lost ones

Lizzy used to cut herself as a teenager . One time she smeared blood on a piece of paper and wrote ' i hate myself '

Mike blames Lizzy for her mothers suicide which leads to one of their deadly battles . Only by divine intervention is she still alive. She shakes him ' listen you are a stupid fucking idiot do you understand ? ' ' yes ' he says

After living with Stuart and the drug dealers , Lizzy is put in a half way house where she is burgled several times and witnessses a stabbing . there is blood everywhere . The stabbed man is called Froggy and something has gone wrong with a drug deal . He looks extremely meek and resigned to his fate , possibly looking forward to dying

Simon does self harm like breaking a glass bottle and using it to slash his wrists during one of their fights , or arguments rather . Lizzy doesnt really fight with Simon who is much bigger and tougher than Mike and could as he puts it ' knock you out , youll not get off the floor Lizzy '

Simon throws himself in the river after losing his next girlfriend and Lizzy goes in after him , the paramedics drag him out and handcuff him to stop him doing further damage to himself . the handcuffs cut into his wrists and make alot of blood. Lizzy accompanies him to hospital and helps to drag him across the floor . Saturday night at A&E is obviously a regular party for some people, who have come in full of pride at their drinking injuries all bandaged up , it is quite an atmosphere ! sharing cups of tea from the coffee machine and war stories . Lizzy feels she has arrived

edited 190125 edited 250125

follow with the streets , cyber sex , artistic journey , streaking , hospital

************************************

a crescendo of anger and violence

060125