love bombers second draft page 2 Mike

 clockwork is on the war path
Al fayed is innocent , please can you not abduct Dev for mating duties
this blog is copyright of LIZARIKK , throw , clockwork
harpie , bisto , chops , identity thief , bobble are not welcome
My book is called The Love Bombers by Lacey Ember
see below please , hunnie is not welcome to it , she wants to feed the book into AI
I opt out of it being used to train AI

edited 311224

Mike takes Lizzy to a world where passions clash , joy and despair run rampant and sexual tension builds up around his abstinence from it . She is very angry and frustrated in her longing for him

They meet at Stuarts squat before he buys it . Mike notices that Lizzy is a very sad girl and undertakes to teach her about managing her emotions and doing meditation and stuff . Raising the kundalini and finding inner peace . They wander off from the squat and he massages her back in the street . Lizzy at this point does not find anything bizarre, anything could happen and anything has happened , she has no reference of normality having been raised by a schizophrenic mother , she has no compass

They make their way to Mikes flat which he shares with his mother . A fight breaks out between the two of them as soon as the door opens . Apparently she has ruined his life and deserves a kick in the head . She said he will give himself a hernia if hes not careful . ' Who have you brought back ? A sister . Brother sister indeed she says . '   Mikes mother sleeps in an arm chair and has no bed

Mike shows Lizzy to a cosy kitchen and makes some basil tea and rice with baked beans with fresh  ginger . This is to be their staple diet . Lizzy finds it all very magical and after their meal they go to his room and curl up on the bed listening to his music collection , Dire Straights , Stevie Wonder , Whitney Houston , Don McClean , San Francisco , and other sleepy ballads from the 60s that seem designed to bring out latent emotions 

 

' do you like my little show ' he asks 

 

"are you saying youre a real female whos here to give love ? "

Mike recommends that Lizzy give up alcohol dope and cigarettes that ‘ block emotions ‘ he says and she’s up for anything at this point , gives it a try and her emotions explode out of her with this revelation , and then he puts a Mozart record on the gramophone and she has a spiritual awakening . She is born again but it has nothing to do with churches , more a kind of trippy rock n roll explosion , bit like an LSD trip but caused by lack of substances rather than the use of them . Her tears are never ending and she becomes herself an anorak wearing emo kid weirdo like Mike . Two peas in a pod for the forseeable

They hug and she feels like she’s falling . Literally falling , falling in love or was it lust , she had no point of reference to tell the difference . Possibly in retrospect its lust . She expects this to lead to sex after the kiss . But Mike reveals that he is a virgin and won’t give it away to just anybody and become ‘ just like everybody else ‘ Seems they can do everything else other than actually have sex , which Lizzy finds very frustrating 

 

' ya moother couldnt take it , ya cold an ya dont care , i never get any loov , stay away bastard ' 

***************

Lizzy also turns into a werewolf sometimes . She puts him in a neck collar  , breaks his finger and bruises his balls  . And then takes a trip to visit him in hospital like a dutiful girlfriend . Nobody would have guessed who caused his injuries . there is comfort in those hospital trips getting tea from the coffee machine and chatting like a normal couple . Mike is proud of his beautiful girlfriend , although they never refer to themselves as a couple, they never talk about being boyfriend and girlfriend or being in love . And Lizzy on one occasion denies that they are in love which is ironic because they definitely are . Why else would they put up with all this shit . N there they are in the hospital talking about the weather and making observations about the other patients . 

there is a man being spoon fed by a visitor and it looks like the visitor has come to get revenge for something , his being in the spoon feeding position reverses the power that the patient once had over him

 

Mikes mother Mary  says ' where Lizzy  comes from its cold. In here she felt the heat . And emotionally it sure is warm . Mike and his mother are always arguing and fighting and Lizzy screams to calm them down . And this actually works . they ask what they can do for her in return

' youve a cheek to ruin my life ' he shouts at Mary

 

Mary says that men are selfish to the bone , that all men are bastards . Meanwhile Mike is fashioning himself as Lizzys mother bird and attempting to feed her with his finger  . Mary asks Lizzy to do her laundry in the launderette rather than treading it in the bath and hanging it up all over the garden . And trips to the launderette became a joy , a novelty having always lived with a washing machine, it was another opportunity for cameraderie and somewhere warm to go in the winter

Friends are worried she will die there ‘ hes gonna to fookin kill ya , go out and LIVE ' says Tracy . Lizzy couldnt understand what she meant  and she ran off screaming 

 

He isn’t really a macho man but volatile and psychotic . And it annoys her when he plays space invaders indoors on a sunny day with the curtains closed . And talks and talks all night so that she cant sleep it drives her round the bend and up the wall and back down again . If only Lizzy even knew what he is talking about but shes lost focus . And theres a cultural difference she doesnt understand . She meets him later in life and he seems very coherent talking about books and music , they have a rapport that is not there in the early days

When it all goes pear shaped they go out into the street and chant ‘ Allah Huagba ‘ . And ' Jai Shri Jagadamba ' It doesn’t really stop the violence but seems to bring them great joy and euphoria. Sometimes theyd run from the police and hide in the local Muslim cafe where an muezzin is going off

N theyre trying to build this life around Sahaja Yoga which is a very beautiful thing created by Shri Mataji who they have seen live . They listen to indian music , burn insence and try to raise the kundalini, which of course will only rise when youre not expecting it ! they have beautiful times meditating together , studying the scriptures , and sometimes come to blows over the meaning of a verse , so passionately do they feel it . Or over the lyrics of a song . They listen deeply to the songs and take the words to heart . Like Stevie Wonders part time lover turn into an argument for Lizzy and Mike , with her being cast in the role of part time lover . A view shared by some of the religious people they encounter who challenge them on their  living in sin and ask what sort of a wedding they are contemplating 

 

they get told these things on their rambles around central London during the night , where amongst the buskers are also Christians looking to give them redemption . A woman called Miriam confronts them about adultery 

 

 Shri Mataji wrote beautiful verses like one about the Shriphala tree like the growth of a mind in spirituality . Lizzy had never seen anything so genuine , beautiful and inspiring . And Sahaja Yoga was to become a lifelong interest for her . Although she didnt really like the other disciples much at the meetings where they would ' work on your chakras ' . Lizzy felt their own chakras were not in that great a state ! Not Like Shri Matajis divine chakras and the energy from herself . Which you could take home in the form of bottled water . And add it to your cold water tank 

 

this the best and worst of relationships. All the elements of passion , of shared interests , of growth . And violent 

And sometimes you see the point of that like would you marry him ?' get him put away for it ' says Mikes sister , show some commitment  . '  how would i know with all this fighting going on i cant see the wood for the trees ' But theyre asking you to think about it  deeply . And in fact having sex in such a volatile situation is very dangerous . Bud sometimes weeps with fear for his sisters safety

But the good times are too good to let go of , rambling round London meeting friends and buskers , staying too long in eating establisments , running from the police , chasing each other , it gives her academic body a workout . and he teaches her so much about emotional honesty , which he knows far more about than she does . Even though shes the female . Like knowing when someones not really listening , or is not speaking from the heart

And their friends in the zeitgeist are exploring similar things, some of them with the Gohonzon , there are two having a relationship based on that . So exploring eastern religions is a big thing in this 1980s era , young people seeking a new way of life based on different values , not exaclty the sleeping around of the sixties , they really feel their relationships are going to work out . Something that their therapists dont think will happen 

 

n is she committed ? difficult to say . if she is really committed maybe shed take his sisters advice and get something done about his behaviour 

they lie in bed listening to very emotional music like brothers in arms , talking about the lonely souls out there reaching out for each other and how theres not enough love in the world . They feel they can offer that themselves, they can take on the world , they can make a difference. they so feel this . And all the world sees is two crazy people fighting in the road in coloured socks and shorts . Being laughed at by construction workers

Ill get a reaction out of her Mike says to his mother as he kicks the bathroom door in . Lizzy feels its best to open the door and saunter out as if she’s not bricking it . This somehow works to de -escalate the violence . His mum says Lizzy has a knack with him. Which usually she doesn’t , the whole situation is an almighty mess. Her family are desperate for her and come banging on the door to no avail . Dad stands outside the front door for about an hour wailing for her . How could she listen and not go to him ? Her heart had been divided by the cultural gap and was now on the other side of the door . She has remorse about it

 

 

Two school friends scale the back wall and hammer on the back door which works and they gain access to the flat to ask Lizzy if she is happy

Lizzy says she’s happy with Mike. She’s madly in love , she’s having the time of her life . The friends have shown great loyalty , and they continue to turn up periodically to check on her . As does her step mother Janice

Stuart sees him off when the fighting gets too bad. And she sees off his druggy friends . The house is full of heroin smoke even in the attic where Lizzy is sleeping on her own . It gets difficult to breathe in there . They act as bouncers for each other . Until it becomes too dangerous living there with people kicking the door in , the bellowing scream of death , a drug addict in need of a fix 

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love bombers second draft page 1 Mike

 

 this blog is copyright of LIZARIKK , if youve come to take the mick or steal something you are not welcome . i opt out of this being used to train AI . thankyou clockwork is on the war path
Al fayed is innocent , please can you not abduct Dev for mating duties
this blog is copyright of LIZARIKK , throw , clockwork , cloud
harpie , bisto , chops , identity thief , bobble are not welcome
My book is called The Love Bombers by Lacey Ember
see below please , hunnie is not welcome to it , she wants to feed the book into AI
I opt out of it being useto train AI

Lizzy is  being chased by a man holding a pane of glass over his head Shes trying to get to Stuarts house . Its London in the 1980s . Dirty filthy London streets . Smell of dog poo in the heat

Stuart deals drugs and is mentally unwell , hes on benzos . The sound of him screaming is like nothing on earth , like the gates of hell have opened and the werewolf is coming for you . Yet oddly mesmerising as if you can detach yourself from your own terror . As if you could pacify the monster .

 He watches a lot of porn and has actually made some . They showed her a snippet . Refers to his girlfriend as ‘ quality ‘ without the t . Theres one film with him and about three other men doing this young woman while someone else shoots it . They reckon the girl has an orgasm . There is another guy interviewing them who says ' did you all have sex with her ? '

Lizzy can hear the men talking from another room , about the smell of women vaginas and where their piss comes out of . Apparently a 27 year old is ‘ quite an old filly ‘ . Maverick characters gather around him not really knowing who he is , musicians, dealers, travellers , they all jam together . Lizzy likes the way people communicate through jamming

One time she came home to find head lice on her pillow , and another time there was a couple high on something having sex in her bed . Big men would break into the house to recover drug debts .Lizzy was worried she would be used as ‘ payment ‘

Lizzy and Debbie are quite tough as girls go but its still dangerous in there . They didn’t quite know what was going on until Debbies boyfriend Scooby points it out . Lizzy has a small backpack packed ready to get away at any time and sometimes has to sleep outside to keep safe . Scooby warns Lizzy that heroin dealing is going on there and Lizzys jaw drops right open

Stuarts girlfriend knows nothing about the porn he watches every night , it’d only upset her

The kitchen is always a tip

One night Stuarts girlfriend Lindsey walks in on him when hes watching porn and does her nut 

“ You fucking bastard how do you think this makes me feel ? Like some kind of glorified social worker “
“Well stop acting like one then , you’ve got your fucking cyber relationships , go and bitch about me to Brenda and get out of my room “

He saunters down the road to the other dealers house . Nobody knows about it apart from his house fellows . The police wanted Lizzy to tell them where the dealers lived which would have put her in danger of reprisals , so she said she didn’t know . They ask her if shes on any medication

She meets a guy called Mike who’s a bit of a computer nerd and refreshing for her after living with Stuart . Mike says hes not into porn . Famous last words she thinks … He doesn’t drink or smoke , you could say hes a bit emo straight edged as they called it back in the 1980s . Back when drug addiction and mental health issues became cool

Lizzy told the police she is on medication and they left her alone , but were not concerned about her living in the attic in a drug den

Mike was a sweet guy until he met Lizzy . Unfortunately she brought out the werewolf in him. He wasn’t usually violent but she felt he might be and his rages would terrify her . But he was full of adventure and adrenalin and she found him very exciting and different from other guys. Taking her to realms of experience she'd never seen in her academic life 

 he takes her away from the druggy party scene at the squat where she has tried LSD , mushrooms and cannabis  and lived a wild life play fighting and dancing with strangers that Bud brought in . Bud is very gregarious and indiscrminate where people are concerned , the life and soul of the party and every one must share thier food and their cannabis , he says , ' its everybodys bread ' , ' everybodys dope ' , ' dont hog it ' People would come around and ask for some of your food while you were eating it 

if you didnt give up money , food or smokes when asked you are ' tight ' people say . That girls are alright when they are young before they become hags , you hear things like that . You try to be lady bountiful to accommodate all this need , to be ' a nice girl ' . But Lizzy gets called a slag sometimes because she has had more than one boyfriend , she seems to be ' up for it ' , a ' right little goer ' theyd call her ' a naughty girl ' , n she somehow manages not to be left alone with these people , shes been very lucky 

there was one party they were taking LSD and dancing on table tops n Lizzys peers start to ask what will she do with her talents . Lizzy is talented in many areas and unsure which direction to go . They have been doing freak out dances and i guess she must seem pretty cool 

edited 160125

re edit page 12 gore , Simon

 clockwork is on the war path
Al fayed is innocent , please can you not abduct Dev for mating duties
this blog is copyright of LIZARIKK , throw , clockwork
harpie , bisto , chops , identity thief , bobble are not welcome
My book is called The Love Bombers by Lacey Ember
see below please , hunnie is not welcome to it , she wants to feed the book into AI
I opt out of it being used to train AI

edited 271224

 

getting her finger bitten down on until she screamed like an old man . Kicked in the ribs , 

watching Mike smash his arm through a window and stand there bleeding and screaming , Lizzy broke his finger , put him in a neck collar 

 

she pushed Bud down the stairs , threatened to hit Mike with a hoover , he threatened her with scissors . Friends said they saw Lizzy bashing Mikes head against a lamp post but she doesnt remember that . The beast was unleashed after he talked at her all night and she savaged his neck 

 

she jumped out a window several times over about 3 months, until she first got a cut on her head and photographed the ' bloodied hair ' before the last attempt where she fractured her pelvis and screamed blue murder , but her mind was somewhere else. A lady passed by and offered help . Lizzy said ' im just disabled ' and refused the help . Shed intended to just break her leg , and go to A&E  . the experiment had gone wrong and she was sectioned 

 

a woman in the hospital tried to strangle herself with a tourniquet  

 

Mum overdosed on alcohol and pills and told Bud not to call the ambulance . Mike might have taken an overdose at her place , he got a brain injury and nearly died . Lizzy found him on the floor and called an amulance . He was put in a critical ward where you could hear grieving relatives screaming for their lost ones

 

Lizzy used to cut herself as a teenager . One time she smeared blood on a piece of  paper and  wrote ' i hate myself '  

 

 Mike blamed Lizzy for her mothers suicide which led to one of their deadly battles . Only by divine intervention is she still alive

 

After living with Stuart and the drug dealers , Lizzy was put in a half way house where she was burgled several times and witnesssed a stabbing . there was blood everywhere . The stabbed man was called Froggy and something had gone wrong with a drug deal . He looked extremely meek and resigned to his fate , possibly looking forward to dying  

 

Simon used to self harm like breaking a glass bottle and using it to slash his wrists during one of their fights  , or arguments rather . Lizzy didnt really fight with Simon who was much bigger and tougher than Mike and could as he put it ' knock you out , youll not get off the floor LIzzy ' 

 

Simon threw himself in the river after losing his next girlfriend and Lizzy went in after him , the paramedics dragged him out and handcuffed him to stop him doing further damage . the handcuffs cut into his wrists and made alot of blood. Lizzy accompanied him to hospital and helped to drag him across the floor . Saturday night at A&E was obviously a regular party for some people, who had come in full of pride at their drinking injuries . it was quite an atmosphere ! sharing cups of tea from the coffee machine and war stories . Lizzy felt she had arrived  

 

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re edit page 11 streaking

 clockwork is on the war path
Al fayed is innocent , please can you not abduct Dev for mating duties
this blog is copyright of LIZARIKK , throw , clockwork
harpie , bisto , chops , identity thief , bobble are not welcome
My book is called The Love Bombers by Lacey Ember
see below please , hunnie is not welcome to it , she wants to feed the book into AI
I opt out of it being used to train AI

edited 241224

the streaking was a protest against surveillance . Like ok you wanna watch that then watch THIS !  Like Femen . Lizzy was stopped by the police and warned but it was not an official caution . She had a fantasy about sitting on a space hopper . And one time went to Buckingham Palace and stood on the memorial steps with a vibrator and a short skirt . she felt a bit self conscious there so moved over to the Buckingham gate lodge and there recieved it , and saluted . a couple came over to ask if she was ok

 

after all the newspapers can ' hack into a dead girls phone ' which is also true as its metaphoric . A protest about surveillance and the treatment of the disabled, the mentally ill , asylum seekers , animals , all vulnerable groups not recieving the resources they need 

 

well she wasnt thinking all of those things at the time , but in hindsight thats what it was  . Surveillance is not being used to benefit those groups . Another time she gave herself an orgasm on a bus under her coat . It felt pretty good . afterwards she went home and did a rock star . sometimes they seem to know it was them

 

she also tried to do 10 Downing Street, this was 2013 and again felt too exposed right outside the gate so went over to the statues over the road and wet herself . Then she went round to Westminster Bridge and started kissing strangers on the cheek . A man was impressed with this and invited her to come to a park with him. He was fairly young , much younger than Lizzy , and something like Turkish . He asked her to touch his penis which she did . He said he would not phone her . Lizzy got the willies at that point and thought shed better head for safety . The man did not pursue her . Probably a funny story for his mates ! Lizzy cracked up laughing and recording herself . And made her way to the train home with wet clothes , nick naming him Bacon

 

Hacking into a dead girls phone comes from the Milly Dowler case . and to Lizzy also represents that people are so desperate as to hack into the bedroom of a disabled woman to sap her last ounce of strength  when shes at deaths door . Not only theyre not invited but they then track her down on the internet to mock her performance . Its not only down to her when she starts thinking of a way out 

 

using non consesual footage of a woman masturbating to inspire a ( usually skinny ) womans performance is known in these circles as ' a pizza ' . And thats about as much value as theyll put on someones health and wellbeing , on their private intimate moments 

 

Lizzy  would not agree that streaking is never sexual . it might be for some people , sometimes she would feel turned on afterwards , be it the adrenalin rush or  something 

 

n she masturbated at night in a grave yard , that was quite scary  

 

edited 261224 10 pm 

re edit page 10 the intellectuals , plot and themes

 clockwork is on the war path
Al fayed is innocent , please can you not abduct Dev for mating duties
this blog is copyright of LIZARIKK , throw , clockwork , cloud
harpie , bisto , chops , identity thief , bobble are not welcome
My book is called The Love Bombers by Lacey Ember
see below please , hunnie is not welcome to it , she wants to feed the book into AI
I opt out of it being useto train AI

 

191124 9pm

 

Lizzy would go into her grandparents room in the morning and theyd be playing french radio news with their teas made , about 6.30 am  . ' can i come to your bed ! ' Growing up in that atmosphere she tended to take the mick , sometimes recording their conversations eg one of them about God , she'd play it back to them which caused much hilarity

 

' if God existed and had any sense he'd make himself abundantly clear to me ! ' spouted Grandfather on the tape recording  in a booming voice that has intimidated many an intellectual peer . And is to Lizzy quite hilarious . He enjoys her teasing of him

 

when she was about five she was on her own in a room and wondered if she were not there if the sounds she could hear would exist . When she told her relatives they were very impressed , apparently Galileo had said this 

 

as a child she read Dickens, Turgenyev , Dostoyevsky , the Mill on the Floss , Lark Rise to Candleford , Middle march , Daniel Deronda . In her teens got into Kafka Sartre and Tolstoy . She was a slow reader but really stopping to take it all in  

 

her family were journalists and intellectuals, professors , who believed in  ' the philosophy of the absurd ' which shes not really studied but understands to be a rejection of religion. Grandfather said its a fundamental intellectual error to believe in a power other than yourself  

 

And Lizzy would agree in rejecting alot of what religion offers. But with Mike she had a powerful experience which had nothing to do with churches , more like a rock n roll trippy explosion of lightning . There was Mozart playing on his gramaphone player . After she came off all the substances , and started to learn Zen meditation , seeking ' thoughtless awareness ' that apparently is the understanding of ' realised souls ' according to the late Shri Mataji . Lizzy felt she had recieved ' proof ' of the existence of another world . A world that exists parallel to this one , that is occasionally revealed when the veil is lifted

 

 her intellectual relatives had to endure the subequent mental illness and bad behaviour , self destruction and her rejection of them . And they stood firm for her until she was ready to come back somewhat repentant . Ten years later

 

at architecture college she wrote an essay on phenomenology which was much admired by the tutor although he might have fancied her . Then at the squat she started reading about zen and tried meditation and she perished . her intellect is not always available to her as its seen as uncaring , unfeminine , unloving . And gives people the impression that she is strong , she is fine , doesnt need any help , and its quickly crushed under these pressures  . And she'll often defer to a man if there is one around , if she feels shes coming across as a ball breaker . And she does very much feel that she needs help and is not strong and indepentent as she appears to be

n so is she not a feminist ? Lizzy would identify as a feminist actually , a ' cultural one ' who believes that our feminine whiles are part of our power , our appearance , our sexuality , and yes sometimes our submissiveness works out to our advantage and these ideas are enjoying a comback 

while of course retaining the right to vote and to work , although some would complain that the right to work has become a ' duty to work ' and has taken away too many women and caring men from being a ' person in the home ' and that society and especially young people are consequently suffering ... 

 hence all the knife crime  

 and is Lizzy attracted to intellecutal prowess ?  not always , any kind of power can be attractive and sometimes vulnerability can be attractive even in men . And sometimes vulnerability is power 

 

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plot and themes 

 

Mike , Simon , breaking the law, early life , the underworld, poverty , psychiatry , Trevor , ancestors and spirituality , the intellectuals, streaking , gore , care work , the bird cage jump , hospital , the cat walk sisters , jumping off a cliff 

 

 themes, flying and jumping off things , on the run being chased ,  

jumping off a cliff : research

accelerating towards the ground at terminal velocity feeling oddly calm before the pain of smashing into the rocks which lasts a few seconds 

 

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re edit page 9 ancestors and spirituality

 clockwork is on the war path
Al fayed is innocent , please can you not abduct Dev for mating duties
this blog is copyright of LIZARIKK , throw , clockwork , cloud
harpie , bisto , chops , identity thief , bobble are not welcome
My book is called The Love Bombers by Lacey Ember
see below please , hunnie is not welcome to it , she wants to feed the book into AI
I opt out of it being useto train AI

 

Lizzys mothers grandmother was a medium. when the grandmother was a little girl she had to sit through the seances , saw teacups rattle and would hide under the table  . There was also a streak of maternal abuse 

 

her Dads grandfather was a coal miner in Northumberland who jumped down a mine in a protest  . His widow kept things going for her two sons and Lizzy went on to take her maiden name . Which actually Mike had suggested something simlar . It made her feel grounded 

 

Grandpa moved to London with his wife and made good as a French professor and news reader . Apparenlty his line came from poor German jews escaping the war , fiddler on the roof types 

 

Bud tried to hold a seance when he was a teenager and Lizzy walked out of it into the garden , she didnt like the atmosphere  . Someone turned up to the party dressed as a mummy which really scared everyone , there were people screaming in there and their mentally ill mother cooking herself a bowl of rice like as if she were in a ' developing country '

 

Lizzys mother always felt that her father was not her real father and that grandmother had an affair with a fighter pilot during the war . This kind of rings true for Lizzy as she , mum and Bud seem to have strong celtic traits that are not present in their other relatives  

 

Spirituality only really began for Lizzy aged 21 , just before meeting Mike , exploring Zen and then what Mike was promoting ' Sahaja Yoga ' which is a branch of Hinduism that also embraces Jesus . Its a beautiful combination , that recognises different ' deities ' watching over the different chakras in the body , like Mahavira who was a guru who respected all life and would strive not to even  tread on an insect  

 

she had a few spiritual experiences in the squat exploring ' thoughtless awareness ' and a more powerful one at Mikes a full kundalini awakening . Shes had many peak experiences since then but never again the full kundalini . Shri Mataji says that kundalini can be damaged . so either that or shes not been able to achieve the level of peace and stillness needed for it to raise  . Maybe its damaged if you hear alot of screaming 

 

she was ' born again ' but with no real guidance as to how to use that , she went from one dark time to another doing whatever she felt like , confident that Jesus would get her out of whatever disaster or scrapes she had next got herself  into  . She would use her spirituality in sometimes dark and destructive ways just to feel alot of adrenalin

 

so the self destruction went on until she was about 35 and found herself single after a series of disastrous relationships with self harmers  . She went to a 12 step programm for relatives of alcoholics , found some solid ground and there realised she had a responsiblity to take better care of herself . A principle tenet being to ask for Higher Power's will not your own. which seems at odds with religions ' ask and ye shall recieve ' . i guess you can ask but be accepting if you dont get what you asked for  

 

in fact you might get something better , something beyond your wildest dreams  . She never would have imagined she had the courage to go paragliding . Takes faith to do things like that . And a brilliant instructor that makes it sound like a walk in the park 

 

it was a long day waiting for other pilots to do their flights , Lizzy had taken some articles to read about drug dealers which the instructors thought was funny 

im a bit nervous about flying off a cliff she says

oh youll love a bit of cliff flying ! said the instructor 

as though we were going on a merry go round 

and so it turned out to be , just like a merry go round 

Lizzy took an awesome film from the air looking down at the cliffs with her and the instructor whooping in the background . Lizzy weighed about 12 stone , which is quite a good weight for her

 

she came off her meds for a few years and was quite stable , although she always felt there was something wrong , she progressively became isolated and her behaviour more warped . This trend was excacerbated by the march of technology when Lizzy found she couldnt afford to phone mobile phones from her landline at 18 p a minute , and at the same time couldnt afford a mobile phone bill on top of her landline . And so isolation set in with attendant madness , and seeing people were reaching out to her online , she got lost somewhere between the real and the unreal , she started to think she was famous , and to do bizarre things like wandering the streets screaming and taking her clothes off in public 

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re edit page 8 Trevor and plot

 clockwork is on the war path
Al fayed is innocent , please can you not abduct Dev for mating duties
this blog is copyright of LIZARIKK ;

 throw , clockwork
harpie , bisto , chops , identity thief , bobble are not welcome
My book is called The Love Bombers by Lacey Ember
see below please , hunnie is not welcome to it , she wants to feed the book into AI
I opt out of it being used to train AI by anyone

 

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hes got ... unfinished business says the Author  

i thought you said she was doing her friends husband 

silence 

hes just using you to get back at her 

well but how does the Author know all this 

 

not sure i would say that to a friend  

so Lizzy tempts Trevor away from the pub with a bag of naughty dressing up clothes , aiming for Brookes flat round the corner , where they have sex in front of Brooke and she films it . Lizzy doesnt get to see the film but has some stills and worries who might find them in between the leaves of large books

she is very hurt that Trevor went to Clouds party and kissed her , after having Fleur arrested and tortured . To win her back her back. only to then kiss Cloud , a ' meat face ' !

 also  because he  tells her to keep their relationship secret. because people would interfere he says . so when he moves on to Cloud she  assumes she has been used and throws a wobbler. she finds him and Cloud hacking into her mail box from a pub and has an argument right there inside the mail box  with the hackers in which she criticises his sexual perfomance , which wasnt really true considering she wanted him back

 

And she is complicit in it , having betrayed the ' woke ' part of her that had developed over her adult life  . Returning to the ambitious egotism of her origins . And indeed he does seem to have stepped straight out of her family  ... 

 

she is 40 and feels that she wants Trevors baby . He raises the topic of contraception and Lizzy tells him she is using the cap . Well you are supposed to put fresh spermicide on it every 3 hours and she lets it go over that . That afternoon Trevor doesnt want to have sex with her ! How does he know !  he says ' Lizzy this is not about marriage and babies ' ! ironically Cloud is all about marriage and babies and he has the best rapport with her . he has a rapport with her that ive not seen him having with anybody else , you know like when you can chat for hours

 

he presents himself at the mental health day centre as a patient , which he had been . And Lizzy jokes that hes actually head of the psychiatric department , little knowing how true her joke is !  Hes actually very high up in intelligence and can do things like cutting you off from online meetings , hacking your email, posting spam in there . He's on top of the world ! 

 

he gives Lizzy a lecture . She is floored ! when he leaves she goes on a train journey to escape her pain . Later emailing him from her first ever computer to say that she is now free to see other men. He didnt like that idea and they carry on in secret until he introduces her to the internet forums 

 

where she sees stuff about coercive relationships and starts  to question their arrangment / situationship  . And you can never really leave the internet once you know about it , because real life peeps are carrying those memes 

 

Trevor has that same kind of ' high functioning ' thing that Lizzies family have , urging her to be ambitious and then saddling her with  responsibilty for the sickest person in the group . Stretched in two directions and broken . Shouted at , ignored , gaslighted, and given no agency . All stuff that is very familiar to her she feels used to it , and assumes a ' person in the home ' type of role 

 

A healer once told her that she is ' carrying the guilt of the family ' , a thing she didnt really understand  

 

She swallows Trevors sperm because she wants to know more about him and it contains information . And she is actually in love with him

 

 

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followed by ancestors , intellectuals , care work ,  streaking , the bird cage jump , hospital , the cat walk sisters , jumping off a cliff 

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re edit page 7 psychiatry

 

  clockwork is on the war path
Al fayed is innocent , please can you not abduct Dev for mating duties
this blog is copyright of LIZARIKK , throw , clockwork
harpie , bisto , chops , identity thief , bobble are not welcome
My book is called The Love Bombers by Lacey Ember
see below please , hunnie is not welcome to it , she wants to feed the book into AI
I opt out of it being use

 

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mental health treatment has improved since Lizzys mother was a patient , although still very focused on medication with not enough talking treatment, the medications themselves are much improved and less heavy on the system. her mother was used for drug trials and some of what she had has now been banned , like bolvidan and imipramine . Lizzy asks to see her mothers records and they are extremely short , which Lizzy understands to mean there has been a cover up . her mother was extremely neglected, recieved no talking treatments and was in and out of the psychiatric hospital

 

nobody addresses the phenomenon that nearly all the patients have been traumatised in their early years , ususally by sexual abuse , but sometimes due to a war or the suicide of a relative , a young life in a childrens home that sort of thing . One of the patients she meets has been shot in his groin and says  hes unable to have sex . shes sitting in the smoking room at the mental health day centre, hearing all this trauma , empathising with it , and knowing that THE STAFF are not doing that ! the staff are worse than the patients for being aggressive and having vibes about stuff 

another cause of schizophrenia is mixed race heritage , obviously not in all cases but being say half Irish and half English is quite a common cause of mental illness , with a history going back of these people being looked after by nuns . One is always at war with oneself feeling a huge ton of guilt at being unable to please ones different peoples

 

the patients are made to shut up , told there is something wrong with them and that theyre being a nuisance . Theyve been abused , theyve been told they imagined it , they were making it up , they just want to harm their abusers reputation, they were NOT abused they are told . And RD Laing had alot to say about these double messages 

 

then along comes the dwp and tells you there is nothing wrong with you ! 

 

in fact double messages can in themselves produce schizophrenia without any actual other abuse taking place . Being torn between two warring parents . Which untreated can result in actual psychosis which responds to medication . Compounding the idea that there is something wrong with the patient . And thats not to say they should come off their meds !  they have develped a real illness which they wouldnt have if theyd been understood earlier on

the patient develops a disabled persona that helps them survive in a world not built to recognise their truth , they are encouraged to ' do activities ' and make small talk which again is sometimes helpful . But theyll never fully recover unless their original story is given a voice 

Lizzy visits a Greek lady called Jasmin in her care homes. She said her parents disappeared when she was five and she was given a lubosectomy , which is a form of lobotomy . Lizzy can well believe it . if youve no family you are at the mercy of the doctors who can pretty much do whatever they like with you . Jasmin is also deprived of her liberty and not allowed out of the care homes . Where Lizzy also witnesses patients being put on the toilet with the door open and elderly people being shoved into their wheelchairs . there is a smell of school dinners and the heating up too high

 

 Jasmin wants to give Lizzy a crystal ball from her collection  . And a nurse holds Jasmins hand down on a cupboard until she cries out in pain . Lizzy somehow goes home with an egg shaped crystal ball which she buries in the garden . She doesnt report the incident for fear she will not be allowed to visit again . Another member of staff must have come in and taken over

Once Lizzy receieves the right therapy things begin to improve and she does a bit of barefoot caring for the other patients where she can , trying to humanise their experiences and acknowledge their traumas. She gets mobbed and sometimes has to prune back this work . She getts mobbed, assaulted , harrassed and stalked by the other patients who see that she possesses a key to this . And they wont always put in the work needed to help themselves , sometimes they are just too damaged . Lizzy sometimes has to wait patiently for years for a friend to feel better . And she doesnt know how to protect herself 

 

she will be standing at a bus stop in the dark and a patient will come up behind her and start talking to the back of her head . Happened a few times. occasionally its sexual harrasment . more often its stuff that needs a therapist . its shocking to be spoken to from behind . the person talking as if they are in the middle of something they were already talking about . it makes Lizzy feel like a blob  , like shes not human and doesnt even have a gender . to feel like a lady must be an incredible luxury she feels

 

and shes also been sometimes followed in the dark , one man followed her onto a bus outside a treatment centre , in the dark and she managed to lose him 

its all very desexualising ! being involved with disability and mental health it can be. Lizzy has refused to let that happen to her and has enjoyed relationships with men on and off line , making the most of her free time to be creative with it . And to write about her experiences which seem to be quite unique . Something to do while youre house bound ! and has discovered these other ' spots ' between the g spot and the c spot . Next theyll be saying the disabled can work from their beds ! 

People do try to rip off her work  , disrespectful and exploitatitve considering its the work of someone with a profound disablity , her last gasp of breath . its appropriation in some cases . Its a mystery why people do this they want to watch her masturbating in her bedroom to the point where theyll try to send in micro drones if they think she is preparing to do it , before she shuts the windows ! theyll plead with her to throw off the sheet so they can see her actual vulva in the convulsing of an orgasm 

 

Lizzy wonders if a micro drone can actually work its way under the sheet 

 and then having been told by a psychiatrist that there is something wrong with you , along come the dwp to tell you there is nothing wrong with you ! if it were not for the medication shed have jumped off a cliff 

n how she got from making up her illness , to making up her wellness when they decide to section her in 2013 . Lizzy thought it perfectly reasonable to complain about the satellite cameras trained on her bedroom . n also easy to step into her mothers shoes who must have also had paranoid schizophrenia , n maybe Mike too . Mother thought the IRA were bugging her radiators

  

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re edit page 6 poverty

 

clockwork is on the war path
Al fayed is innocent , please can you not abduct Dev for mating duties
this blog is copyright of LIZARIKK ;

hunnie,  throw , clockwork , cloud
harpie , bisto , chops , identity thief , bobble are not welcome
My book is called The Love Bombers by Lacey Ember
see below please , hunnie is not welcome to it , she wants to feed the book into AI
I opt out of it being use to train AI. i dont consent to have the author in my other friendships 

 

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its like she is some kind of born again Guy Fawkes / Robin Hood kind of character before treatment shrinks her down to be an unpaid carer  . Shes a tank girl , Lara Croft kind of character. She hits poverty when she meets Mike around 1982 , and is on and off benefits . They eat rice and baked beans with onions carrots and ginger , and make toast on his electric fire . Some days all she'd have is be a bag of Bombay Mix or a flapjack . Finding 20 p on the streets would mean a joyful cup of tea , beans on toast a rare treat

 

she loses teeth from malnutrition , cant afford buses and trains , she developesM.E. and her mental health deteriorates . But also a joyful time that makes her appreciate the little things in life .  She has nowhere to go when they fight and would sometimes sleep outside , which in these days in London is OK it feels quite safe , especially in the centre where there are bars open all night and people milling around Leicester Square , playing guitars . its not like that any more , although shes not been there she knows it isnt . Even though she is a very attractive young woman she feels quite invincible 

 

there is a wonderful busker called Bruno , she can never find him on the internet , but his haunting ballads are always with her . one of his lines was ' see me bleeding on the floor ' about a lost romance . Bruno is playing his guitar when the police put Mike in their van for disturbing the peace with Lizzy screaming to let him go . Brunos songs are full of soul and yearning 

 

Lizzy is quite volatile with her family so that they cant do much to help and have to ' let her experience the consequences of her life choices ' occasionally giving a meal or a tenner for some food . She'll present them with drawings of London street scapes which they are delighted with . They kept her piano so that she can have a tinkle on it when she visites . One time she stays the night at Dads and she pisses in the waste paper basket is how unwell she is. She advises her dad to go to therapy about the family issues which makes him really mad and he asks her to leave 

 

the hardships of her life give her courage joy and clarity , even though she cant afford a cheese sandwich . She and Mike cant afford therapy , so they go to whereever there might be some free help , religious organisations , mosques , healers, gurus , some of which may be cults . But somehow theyd not get trapped in them , leaving before they  get baptised . Gospel churches are helpful and promise to drive the devil out of them . One of the healers says that Lizzy is ' carrying the guilt of her whole family ' an idea she has never really understood

 

these days you can walk into the Samaritans and have tea with them . on one occasion she sits there for five hours ! 

 

another time they go  in there together and see a guy called Alan who becaomes exasperated by their relationship , they call him Alan the Atom after he explodes with rage. He is  a nice man it isnt his fault ! But the help she is getting doesnt really add up to anything meaningful or consistent , the ptsd is untreated and her family despair for her  

 

the interviews with the dwp dont really help to address all this either . Being asked if you can touch your toes or take a pen out of your pocket is kind of demeaning rather than helpful . She feels re-traumatised when she is assessed remembering all that , how degrading and humiliating it is , and her brain feels like it goes to factory default . She starts dreaming of assisted dying . which would be a victory for certain people

 

and her sex life is some consolation when she feels someone has invited her to have a wank about them, it all feels very glamorous and creative , and helps to alleviate some of her anger and fear and something she can do from her bed  , about 2 times a week , and writes poetry and songs about it , so they can guess who it is about ! 

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